


Sunflower, my eyes, want you more than a melody.

by adoremelikeasunflower



Category: One Direction (Band), 여신강림 | True Beauty (Korea TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Harry, Bullied Harry, Bullying, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Humiliation, Hurt Harry Styles, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson is Protective of Harry Styles, M/M, Makeover, Miscommunication, Past Abuse, Popular Louis Tomlinson, Popular Zayn Malik, Praise Kink, Protective Louis Tomlinson, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, TrueBeautyAU, mentions of past bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:07:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoremelikeasunflower/pseuds/adoremelikeasunflower
Summary: Inspired by a korean drama True Beauty!After enduring years of bullying Harry after a particularly humiliating incident, finally transfers to a different school. It's a brand-new start for him, and he decides to make the most of it. With a bit of help he undergoes a makeover and decides to ditch his previous identity, and to never allow anyone to dictate his worth. Despite the changes in his appearance, internally he is still figuring himself out and struggling with all the mental and physical bruises.With a help of a certain blue-eyed boy he is to learn how to heal, accept his past, and rebuild.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Marcel/Edward Styles/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 30
Kudos: 37





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my loves!  
> This my first fanfiction that I am ever posting online, so please be patient with me! From the moment I watched the show I knew I want to make a fanfiction inspired by it's plot, but with some changes.  
> I'll be truly thankfull for any feedback and advice on how to impove!

Harry truly hated high school.

He did not know how his life turned into a scenario straight from a silly low budget romantic comedy for teenagers, but here he was. He did not either, what he did to deserve this.

Let’s start with the fact that no one seemed to know his real name. Everyone at school, teachers included, called him Marcel. How this nickname originated remained a mystery, but it clung to it (just like the fear). As it turned out, Marcel was a loser's name. And that is exactly how he was treated.

He was not trying to fool himself - he was not especially handsome. He preferred comfy and covering clothing. Furthermore, he was not keeping up with the latest trends like Gemma and took comfort over aesthetics. He did not feel the need to conform to the unpredictable standards just to please others. He just wanted people to like him for who he was. That is why he wore big glasses, kept his locks tamed under a thick layer of gel, and loved soft and warm jumpers, which covered his whole body. So what if he did not look like a Gucci model, when he felt pretty good with himself. If he were to rate his appearance according to some scale, he would say he’s an average, and he was not bothered by it. But it did not mean that some people were not bothered by him.

His biggest high school achievement so far was the fact that by some miracle he became the school’s misfit and punching bag for the football team. And all because he dared to coexist in the same environment. Every day, he would go back home with a brand-new collection of bruises and a new pack of plasters from a nearby pharmacy. Sometimes, in order to make looking at himself just a tiny bit more bearable, he would pick those with fancy patterns, or superheroes. To be honest, they worked as fine as the regular one’s, but he tricked himself into believing that they brought him some type of comfort. Once a week he also went to a kiosk to purchase a “get well soon card” or a card with positive affirmations, and would place them on his bedside table. He kept his gel lawyer thick, so no one would mess his curls, and he thought about investing in some type of insole for his back, because he had permanent marks from the lockers, to which he was constantly getting pressed. But it was nothing. He was eighteen. Life, especially in high school was brutal, and Harry was too weak to fight with it. Sometimes when he was wrapped in his duvet, drowning in a paddle of his own thoughts, he wondered if he had any other choice than to just accept everything around him. Perhaps it would have been easier, had he known what was the reason behind everything. Even as simple as “I despise you, because you stole my pencil”, it really would have been sufficient. But the problem was that he truly had no idea. He had no recollection of an event that would explain this horrendous treatment he was getting. He had always tried to treat people with kindness, and when someone was not interested in treating him in the same way, he just evaded them at all cost.

He did not need a large group of friends, he really enjoyed being invisible. He just wanted to survive with as little damage to his physical health and dignity.

He had his favourite place in the whole school - the library, where he would spend his lunch breaks on a comfy armchair, eating his sandwich (“Only soft foods are allowed in a library”) and gossiping with Molly, the librarian, for whom he would sometimes make something sweet. He was aware how lame it was, but she was truly a sweetheart and reminded him of his nan. And she always had a special cup just for him, and she always used it to make him tea when he came to the library to hide from his bullies and cry.

And yet somehow, between his attempts to avoid troubles, he managed to unlock the worst case scenario.

Thursday, which also happened to be Valentine's Day, turned out to be the cherry on top of everything. Because why not? Molly persuaded him to bake valentine themed cookies for the sale. So he brought a full container of them. Each cookie was decorated with something pink and lovely, some of them were even heart shaped. He made a good use of his baking skills, which he gained by working part-time over the summer at a local bakery. Sometimes he would even use baking as a coping mechanism, especially to deal with stress and anxiety. Gemma sometimes picked on him for being a “binge baker” whatever that meant. And it was not like she was complaining much. She loved going back home to find a fresh patch of raisin cookies on a kitchen counter, which Harry made because he had a shitty day. Cooking was a great way for him to think through his emotions, even if sometimes he would cry while mixing a cookie dough. But that was a different story.

Going back to Valentine’s Day, his mum helped him pack the cookies, she used this fancy looking pink see through paper. They had a lot of fun doing them, literally spent a couple of hours on Monday listening to cheesy songs on the radio with Love Actually playing in the background.

Secretly he was hoping that maybe, just maybe, today would be different, that he will get at least one tiny break. Who knows, maybe his bullies would be too preoccupied with wooing the cheerleaders to even care about him, and waste their time. Without too much problem he managed to get through the main corridor, and go to the one near the gym, where the annual sale was taking place. He plastered a smile on his face, straightened his shoulders and approached the table. He was able to recognize some faces - the girls from his class, who were truly eager and excited to set everything up. Harry saw heart shaped lollipops and cheesy cards.

“O, Marcel!”, Professor Sony was the one that noticed him, “It is so nice to see you! Molly told me that you were to bring something!”

To be honest, he was not a fan of hers. It is not like she was mean or annoying. It’s just, she was one of those people who never knew where to shut up. In addition to that, she was never shy to express her opinion, and if one was to describe her with one word it would be loud.

He swallowed nervously feeling eyes on him. He hated being in a centre of attention, even if it was the positive one. Harry took a deeper breath, ignoring the unpleasant feelings in his chest, and warmth blossoming on his cheeks. Breathe. Just breathe. And do not make a fool of yourself.

“Yeah, I brought cookies”, he mumbled putting the box on the table, “I hope they are all right.”

If he mentally highfived because he did not stutter once, no one had to know.

She approached the container with enthusiasm on her face, lifted the cover and her eyes beamed. For a moment she resembled an overjoyed five-year-old opening his brand-new toy on a Boxing Day. He had no idea how this woman managed to have so much energy, especially considering her age. Harry was truly fed up with social interactions, he was so done with them today. He felt this weird weight on his shoulders mixed with a strange exhaustion hidden in his bones. This would usually happen when he spent too much time around people.

“Oh, love, they are so precious!”, she exclaimed way too loud.

He truly did not want to draw attention, especially those who should not be witnessing this. He put his hand in a pocket in order to hide its trembling.

“Thank you so much, I truly hope they would sell well”, he managed to spit hoping that she would not continue to talk to him.

_ Please, let it be over. _

_ Please, let it be over. _

“Love, did you make them yourself?”, she asked and Harry truly hated how sincerely she sounded.

How was he to turn her down when she was being so nice. God-damn it.

He confirmed.

“They are lovely, really”, she added, taking one of the neatly packed boxes. The pink paper was see-through, so it was possible to see a heart shaped cookie, and a small flower. “You have to promise me to bake these for all of our sales!”

_ Shit. _

_ His life was a joke. _

_ His life was a joke. _

He hated situations like that. On the one hand he was under pressure, and on the other he knew there was no way he could say no to her. It was a nightmare. Subconsciously, he reached to his west’s pocket to grab an inhaler. As soon as it was over, he would have to go to the loo to take some of his medicine and do breathing exercises. Just wonderful. 

“Sure! No problem”, he answered, hoping it sounded genuine, “It will be a pleasure!”

“I am so glad! I wish I had known that you are such a Buddy Valastro!”

Had he not watched the Cake Boss, he could have pretended that this name sounded like it belonged to a mafia boss, but who was he kidding.

Luckily, it was not long till the woman lost interest in him and went back to setting the decoration. He could finally breathe again. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched. Harry looked in that direction so fast that his neck cracked. Instead of piercing icy eyes he met a calm and warm gaze. He knew this girl from his French class, and was pretty sure that once she lent him a pen.

“I just wanted to tell you that I really like your cookies”, she said, her voice tender, almost like a whisper, “You are truly talented, Marcel.”

He could feel a blush spreading on his cheeks, but he was not sure if it was because of the complement or embarrassment. There was something in those simple words that made his chest filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling. People, except of teachers, usually never paid 

enough attention to him to compliment him. He smiled and mumbled something about going to class and went straight to the nearest loo, where he locked himself in the first cabin.

Breathe in. Breathe out. And again.

And again.

Till the end.

***

It was around lunchtime, where he was no longer sure whether he should be suspicious or whether it was his lucky day.

He had one more class and so far he had not gained any more bruises. This easily could be considered a Christmas miracle, had it not already been February. Everything so far went smooth and that was pretty terrifying. 

He was not naive. That is why he decided to keep his guards up.

As soon as the last bell rang, he energetically packed all his things and ran out of school with his coat unbuttoned. He kept on repeating positive affirmations and small prayers. He was so close. He only had to make it to the Tesco around his street, and he was safe. Safe. Gosh, how lovely this word sounded.

He was about to approach the first turn, completely focused on his aim, when he felt a hand grabbing his shoulders and pulling him in a different direction. He felt his heart in his throat and nausea hitting him.

“Marcel, my dear friends, we haven’t seen you the whole day!” Nate, obviously it had to be Nate. “How was your Valentine’s Day, hm?”

Nate, Johny, and Trevor were all on a soccer team. And, as it was already known from all kinds of films and books, they were in a centre of attention. Not to mention, they were really popular, especially among girls. Not like Harry ever cared about that one. The point was, they would never pass the opportunity to show off how much power they had over others. They were fully aware of the advantage they had over some students and were not hesitant to use it.

So he forced a smile.

“Pretty good.”, he mumbled, trying his best to sound neutral.

He did not want to show how terrified he was. It always felt that way. He was truly hoping that maybe over time he’ll get used to. That the pressure on his chest won’t be as suffocating, that it won’t feel like he has to relive the same nightmare over and over. His hands won’t tremble as much and his lungs won’t forget how to breathe. He will become numb to it all, never having to feel like a ripped teddy bear who is running out of the cotton.

“That’s wonderful, am I right guys?” He turned to two other guys, who were built pretty similar and had the same smirk on their faces, “Oh, I almost forgot! You never told us you are such a Gordon Ramsay! Friends should tell each other everything!”

_ And… oh no. No, no, no. _

_ Please, no. _

_ Please, please, please, no. _

Nate was holding a small pink box with Harry’s cookies. The ones that he gave on the sale, that he spent our making, and was pretty proud of.

“Don’t be so humble, Marcy! Take a look at it. Such pretty little faggy cookies. Right? I bet you wanted to impress a gi… oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.” He smacked his lips.” Silly me, I almost forgot. Our Marcy does not like girls. Our favourite boy instead of talking prefers to use his mouth to suck dicks, am I right?

He shook his head. He hated it so much. All those words that sometimes hurt more that punches.

He never admitted to anyone that he likes boys. It was that sticky though on the back of his head, a tiny voice hidden in the shadows of his insecurities. He was too afraid to talk about it, even with his Mum, despite the fact that usually they told each other everything. She was a lovely woman, patient, warm and so, so loving. She always showed them that she loved them wholeheartedly, but it did not soothe his anxieties. Sometimes Harry thought that maybe she figured it out, to be honest she knew him better than anyone, and did not want to push him. He felt dirty. Not only because of what he was but also because he dared to keep any secret from the best woman in the world.

But it seemed like it was visible. People were able to tell just by looking at him. He had no idea what was betraying him.

With the corners of his eyes he saw a fourth silhouette, Greg, hidden behind the three other boys. Just staring at him. He had his hands on his chest and did not look like he was into the whole “bullying Marcel time”. But he still looked at it.

“Am I right, Marcel? Don’t be naughty, answer when someone is asking you.”

“Calm down mate, we do not want our little one to get all turned on.”

The three of them started to laugh and this sound felt like cold hands on Harry’s back, touching him all over. He took a deep breath to stop himself from crying. It was not even about not wanting them to see him bawling his eyes out. He did not want them to have a confirmation of how much power they had over him. For them showing weakness or emotion was an invitation to do more.

Suddenly Nate took one of the cookies out of a package and started to look at it, judging it.

"So lovely, right? They must have taken you long to make.”

He just shrugged, too paralized to say anything. God, he just wanted to be left alone. To have one day of break. In his thoughts he was already in bed, wrapped in a fluffy blanket, perhaps with a cup of hot chocolate.

A moment later something hit him on the forehead, and then he felt something sticky on his skin. Harry needed a few seconds to realize that Nate had just thrown a cookie and hit him between his eyes. He looked at a pavement where he could see a pink heart, shattered into a million pieces. He really could relate to it.

“Oh, no, Marcy, you are so clumsy! You’re all covered in frosting!”

Harry felt tears in his eyes, and no. He couldn’t cry. He’ll do it as soon as he’ll be back home.

“Don’t cry, Marcy, it’s nothing” Nate’s voice was unnaturally high.

Moments like that made him regret that he does not have a switch off. That he can’t just hide in a small room in his mind, where no one can find him nor hurt him.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of it. Look, what I’ve got” Harry looked up and saw Nate holding an icing pen filled with red icing.

Hands wrapped around his arms, holding him, making it impossible for him to break free. He began to struggle, feeling the panic rising. He closed his, allowing the tears to spill onto his cheeks. He did not care any more. He felt too much and too little at the same time while the icing was being placed onto his forehead. Not only that, but he knew he was acting like a loser. That he was giving them exactly what they wanted. But, the thing is, he was a loser. Crying was the only thing left.

He had no idea how much time had passed, when finally the plastic tip detached from his skin.

_ Please, make them stop. _

_ Please, make them leave me alone. _

_ Pretty please. _

“ You look almost as pretty as your cookies, darling!” Nate exclaimed, pride evident in his sugary voice. “And now smile for the camera.”

As soon as he heard the word “camera” he could almost hear something breaking inside him. No, no, no. They… they never felt the need to document what they did. This could not be happening. If they truly took a picture, they would be able to do with them whatever they wanted. That they would probably send them to others at school, stripping Harry from any sense of security that was left.

He just started to cry even more, sobs shaking his body, and glasses covering in fog. He must have looked like a complete mess.

“Oh no, no, no, don’t cry, Marcy, you’ll ruin the decoration. And swollen eyes do not fit you.”

He tried to break free again, but failed miserably again.

“Now, repeat after me, okay?”

He did not react.

“Okay?” Nate repeated, squeezing his wet cheek.

“Okay”

“Good boy. And now repeat after me: I, Marcel Styles, like to suck dicks.

He bit his lip so hard that could taste the blood. He couldn’t do that. He could not say that. Not like that. He wasn’t able to admit it to himself, to say it aloud to himself, not to mention in front of the camera.

“Marcy, how many times do I have to ask you? You are such a naughty boy today.” He felt his hair being pulled, and a force to make him hiss in pain. “C'mon. The sooner you’ll do it, the sooner we’ll leave you alone. It’s just like with a plaster. Truth hurts. I know, Marcy, but it is not like I am making you lie.”

No. And that was the worst.

That it was true. Guess it would not have hurt so much, had they made him lie. But he was like that - he was a faggot.

Sometimes he thought that maybe if not this, he would have it easier. Being ugly was one thing but being an ugly faggot was w hole new level. Perhaps people would like him more if he liked girls, he would not have to endure so many hurtful words. But obviously Harry had to be gifted with a whole pack.

“I, Marcel Styles…”, he took a deep breath, trying to fight with trembling of his voice, “I like to suck dicks” he added barely above the whisper

“What do you like, Marcy?”, Nate leaned into him. “I don’t think I’ve heard it. Guys, what did he say that he liked?”

The other shrugged their shoulders pretending they had no idea.

“So Marcy, what do you like?”

His vision became blurry because of all the tears making its home in his eyes. His cheeks were hot and his heart was beating wildly. It was a nightmare, but he could not wake up. It was his life.

He took an even deeper breath and just went with it, defeated and too exhausted to protect the last bits of his dignity.

“I like to suck dicks”

As soon as those words left his mouth, he could hear the clapping sounds. And he just tried not to choke on his own sobs and not to drown in his own tears and embarrassment. He was desperately trying to focus on breathing, on even remembering how to do it. His backpack was maybe two meters away but it felt like out of reach.

“See, Marcy, it wasn’t so bad, was it? Admitting it is the first step to accept what you are. Och! Right! Cmon, tell us, what are you? I won’t ask for more.

Harry felt like he had no control over his voice. He opened his mouth to say it, but the only thing that came out was a distorted and pitiful sob.

“Awwww, is our little one tired?”, he felt a hand in his hair, “You can thank me, Marci. You don’t have to say it. It is written all over your face. Literally.

Nate’s smile was something Harry would see for the long time before sleep. The pride he took from having more power than anyone should have.

He felt his chin being lifted and a phone was put right in front of his eyes. And there it was. Written in a red frosting, one simple word, marking him.

**_Faggot._ **

He could feel the ground slipping from his feet. And, he wanted it so bad. To just disappear beneath the ground, to be swallowed whole. It truly was a cherry on top. And all of that was recorded. And they could do with it anything they wanted, like they did with him. This day was a disaster. But even worse was the knowledge that he had more days like this to endure in the future. There would be another one. And another one.

“I-I don’t understand”, he whispered. “W-why are you doing this to me? What did I do to you?

More and more tears were falling down his cheeks, hitting the ground next to the destroyed cookies. He used the sleeves of his jumper to wipe the wet spots of his face.

“Och, Marcel, Marcy,” Nate’s voice was now full of amusement, “It is so simple. You. Are. Ugly.”

The next thing he felt was a hand wiping off the remains of his hair gel on his jumper and a disgusted sound. He lifted his eyes for a minute and saw Greg still standing there, still indifferent.

Och.

So that was it.

_ Harry was ugly. _

And it was enough to hate him.

At least he got to know the reason behind everything.


	2. 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome in a second chapter! This one is a little shorter and is more like a transition to the righ actions. Hope you'll enjoy it, feedback is welcome!

Harry could feel the anxiety rising in his stomach. 

_It’s okay._

_You are okay._

_Just breathe._

From the moment he woke up he tried some breathing exercises to soothe the pain in his chest and lungs. There was a lump in his throat and a strange heat travelling through his body. It was all too familiar for him, but this time he knew that things might be different. He needs to be brave. For once.

He still had memories from that day engraved under his eyelids. He still could feel the wetness on his cheeks, hear his unsteady and fast breathing and see the icing brand on his forehead. There were moments when it all would come back to him, sneaked into his mind in the middle of the night, turning his dreams into nightmares. It was always the same - as a tape that was being rewound. Over and over, over and over, until the dawn. He would wake up sweaty, embarrassed, and alone feeling like all the bruises he’s ever had been back and fresh, and all the wounds he managed to stitch up himself ripped open.

He went to the kitchen to take an ice cube to ground himself a bit.

  
  


***

After he came back from school covered in icing, tears, and shame, he washed himself thoroughly and for the first time in a long time faced his own reflection, his failure.

He needed to come up with a better skin care routine, which meant going shopping. Harry also could go with a bit of a haircut, as his curls were now free and all over the place. Looking at them then, Harry decided that they were pretty nice like that, all rowdy and unruly. But the biggest elephant on his face were the glasses. He preferred them because, well, they were more comfortable than contact lenses. But that was his main problem - he has always preferred being comfortable. This had to change. He needed to get out of his comfort zone, and just admit that he can no longer exist like that. He had to change. For others and for himself.

He had to get rid of Marcel, hide and cage him in the deepest corner of his mind, keep him there as a reminder of whom he used to be. But never let him see the light of the day again.

To emphasize this new beginning, with one smooth movement he threw the bottle of hair gel away.

Harry went to his room and found his money box. He put aside some money over the summer, because he never had anything to spend it on. He never bought new clothes, he never went out with his friends, so almost all of his pocket money went to the box. But now it was time to use it. But first, he had to figure out how.

And the answer was simple: Gemma.

He smiled to himself, cheers to the new beginnings.

***

He managed to convince his mom to transfer him to a different school, came up with a few lame excuses like boring professors, issues with commuting and so on. He could not tell her the truth. She not only would be heartbroken but also probably deeply disappointed in him. He was her baby boy, but he should be able to stand up for himself, especially how strong of a character Gemma has. She never had problems like that in high school, and she was a girl. So to admit that he, a boy, was getting regularly bullied and could do nothing about it, was beyond consideration.

She was not stupid, he suspected that she knew the reason behind this sudden change was more profound, but again she was being her understanding self, allowing him to make important decisions.

Surprisingly, Gemma was also incredibly supportive of this idea. She talked to him in private when Anne went to sleep. Harry vaguely told her that some kids were not the nicest to him but in general he just needed a change. Told her that he felt like he was frozen in one place, stuck in a time loop, He also asked her to help him improve his image, and she was overjoyed.

His mom allowed him to stay home for the rest of the weekend, as if sensing that that was what he needed. Some alone time combined with a bit of internal and external healing. He needed this time to really think everything through, write down his new goal and rules he wanted to follow. He wanted to have it set in stone, to be able to remind himself about it every day, look at this upon waking up. Not only that, but he threw away his current “get well soon” card and replaced it with his little motivation board.

_I, Harry Styles, promise myself to be better._

_I, Harry Styles, promise myself to never be a failure._

_I, Harry Styles, promise myself to make my family proud._

On a weekend Gemma took him shopping and made him pinky promise that he won’t complain and will conform to all of her ideas. She already came up with a plan for his new style. A combination of classy, casual and “bad boyish” (whatever that meant). She got rid of all his jumpers and replaced them with various T-shirts and shirts that fitted him really nicely. Gemma insisted that at home she’ll make some nice stylizations of it to make it easier for him to get used to his new wardrobe. His sister really gave him a sense of comfort and stability, she seemed to know what to do and guided him through it all while being considerate of his anxieties. She allowed him to take breaks in between different stores and helped him not to put himself down.

Was he really going to run away from his problems? 

Did he really allow someone to make him feel so unworthy and so self-conscious? 

Did it really take a public humiliation, which got recorded, to finally break him?

He was a mess.

“It’s okay, little one.” Gemma’s voice was soothing and her arms wrapped around him like a shelter.

It was not okay yet, but it will be.

Surprisingly, the whole external makeover was not the hardest part. The worst was what was inside him. He needed to figure out how to control his anxiety and its side effects. He could not be “the cool kid” with trembling hands, constant blushes, stomach aches and inhalator glued to his hand. Cool kids are courageous, witty and confident.

And he was none of that.

He tried to google some tips on how to improve his confidence, but he was not naive to believe that it can be done within a couple of days. Despite that he watched some motivational videos and people talking about their experience with being shy and resented in high school. So he decided to do the only thing that seemed pretty reasonable - fake it till he made it.

The night before the first day at his new school was terrifying. He was nauseous and restless, his whole body seemed to be in a survival mode. He was tangled up in the ropes of his thoughts which were slowly suffocating him, squeezing mercilessly. Harry felt like a joke. It all seemed to hit him right now, what he had done. What he was about to do. He bit his finger to stop himself from screaming as the tears rolled out his cheeks.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, so so so, stupid._

What was he thinking?

He sat up rapidly, almost falling of the bet because of a duvet wrapped around his body. He needed to get out. Now. His glasses seemed to be on a different continent, so out of rich, and he needed them to find his inhaler. Great, just great.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on a door and froze. He could that be?

“Harry, are you all right?” Gemma. “May I come in?”

What was he supposed to do? Pretend that he was not there? Ignore her? But she seemed to know that he was wide awake.

“S-sure.”

She slowly entered his room, the pillow marks on her cheek and hair messy. She gave him a small smile. But it felt like someone poured a warm tea down his throat.

“Can’t sleep, baby bro?”

He nodded.

“Let me guess, you’re nervous before your first day there?”

He nodded again. She smiled.

“So eloquent, Hazza”

“Sorry, it’s just…”

He took a deep breath. Gemma sat down on his bed and he automatically put his arms around her. She was older than him but already smaller. Her skin was pleasantly soft and warm, and she smelt like childhood and peace. She felt like a giant teddy bear in his embrace, a teddy bear with a hell of an attitude.

“ I don’t want to mess up. I want those kids to like me.”

She furrowed her brows.

“Why wouldn’t they like you?” She really looked like she had no idea. Harry wanted to laugh. “You are funny and charming. You’re smart. And overall you’re a great friend. I see no reason why they wouldn’t like you.”

He pressed his face to her shoulder, trying to hide there.

“I’m weird. And shy. And I get nervous easily”, he knew that he was rambling, his voice quiet and a bit shaky.” I never know what to say, and I end up saying something stupid. I just want to get through those remaining months and be able to pass my exams in peace.”

“Oh, Hazza, c'mon”, she detached herself from him, turned around and opened her arms, inviting him to cuddle him.

There was no way that Harry could ever turn down a hug. So he just decided to take this opportunity. Her arms were around his middle, keeping him close and safe. He felt like a five-year-old going to his big and scary sisters for comfort, knowing she would always protect him from the cruel world.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” she whispered. “I wish you could realize how amazing you are. I really hope that you’ll be happy in your new place.”

“Me too, Gems.” he admits to the darkness.

She seemed like she wanted to ask him about something but decided to wait. And he appreciated it so much. Harry suspected that she held back the “Will you ever tell me why you decided to transfer so suddenly?” card. He squeezed her harder, burying his face in a crook of her neck. 

Her fingers started to play with his hair, what was the greatest way to calm him down. It was for sure his weak spot. Harry could feel his body slowly relaxing under his sister’s touch. He could not remember the last time anything in his life felt so right. The last months were draining, always leaving him sad, tired and empty. But here the world felt a little more bearable.


	3. 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise, since the next one more things are going to take place. We're past the warm up! As always, the feedback is more than welcome1

Harry felt like he was about to pass out.

His knee was bouncing (just like his entire body, to be honest) and his breathing was irregular. He had his inhaler hidden in his backpack but one of the points on his to-do list was not to use it at least today like he has been for the past week. This was his great moment, right now sitting in his sister’s car in a parking lot in front of his new school.

Yeah, he was so about to pass out.

He managed to get a few hours of sleep, cuddled to Gemma for the whole night. It was nice to wake up to a warm body protecting you, but now he had to be a big boy. Easier said than done. His anxiety was still high, but he drank two cups of calming tea before getting out of a house. His mum made and packed him lunch, which really looked decent and gave him a wet kiss on a cheek. She probably, despite his best efforts to look put together, could see how bouncy he was. Luckily, Gemma agreed to drive him and to be his moral support. She was really trying hard to win a prize for being the greatest sister of all time. When they left, his mum also texted him a “good luck” GIF with a couple of emojis (she was obsessed with a kitten and a bee one).

“Ready to take over the entire school, baby bro?” asked Gemma.

Harry gave her a pretty unconvincing smile.

_Fake it till you make it._

He was so not ready but at this point there was no turning back. He was getting ready for this moment for a whole week, so there was no messing up. Furthermore, he’s been messing up his whole life, settling for what he thought he deserved and for what he was given. Harry really reflected on the past years and came into a pretty depressing conclusion: he just accepted that people like him deserve to be treated like rubbish, that people like him just have this type of life. Harry just gave up. On himself, on his future on his now non-existent self-esteem. And it hurt. The fear was slowly returning, making itself comfortable inside his chest. He looked around all those people, new faces, and for a moment, just a tiny moment, he felt as if the icing on his forehead was still there (is it possible for the icing to leave scars?). As if as soon as he walks there people will know. That they will hate him before he even manages to introduce himself. What if it’s true, and it is just written all over his face. Big fat loser and faggot. 

_Don't’ cry._

_Don’t you dare cry,_

_Stupid crybaby._

“Haz?” this time she sounded concerned.

He completely forgot that he should respond to her question.

“I’m fine,” he managed to say, his voice visibly stiff. He blinked away the tears. He could not go there with a swollen and red face.“Nervous as hell, but I will be fine, promise.”

She leaned a bit and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Just like she used to do when he was smaller than she. He should feel embarrassed, he knew. His older sister had to baby him and comfort him before his first day at a new school. But it felt so good that he just could not bring himself to be ashamed of his lack of grip. Harry melted into her embrace and squeezed her hand.

“I have your back, I always will, you know that, right?”

“I know.” he nodded. “I really need to go.”

They exchange the look, her eyes filled with warmth and love, his with shyness and fear which he could not hide.

He got out of the car, gave Gemma one last smile and started to go. He straightened his back like he was told in one of the videos he watched and made sure to look ahead of himself to seem confident. You’ve got this. You are confident. You look confident.

His curls were free and unruly, not held back my gel, he wore tight fitted jeans, a loose T-shirt, and his dad’s leather jacket. His glasses were left alone in a bathroom, instead he wore contact lenses, which was a bit uncomfortable, but it was nothing he could not handle. Damn, he handled years of bullying which was truly nothing compared to the soreness of his eyes. He tried to repeat some positive affirmation in a bathroom while doing his morning routine to get a better start to the day. He put his hands in his pocket while approaching the entrance.

Harry had his scheduled memories, but now he had to figure out where classes were. He took a deep breath and saw a boy standing a few inches away from him. Probably the best thing to do would be to ask him for direction. This can’t be that hard. He seemed nice, a bit like an overgrown puppy but in a good way (was there a bad way to look like an overgrown puppy, Harry what the fuck?). Harry really hoped that the boy was in fact harmless.

“Hey, I’m sorry, could you tell me where I can find the class A12?” he asked and surprisingly his voice did not tremble.

The Puppy looked at him for a moment but quickly smiled warmly. It’s a good sign. It must be.

“I have class near this class in a moment, I can walk you there.” Oh, thank God.

Harry could feel relief washing over his body. Okay, so far so good. Perhaps even too easy. It’s not like that’s how it always works, right? He nodded and plastered a tentative smile.

“That would be really nice, thank you so much.”

Puppy Boy’s eyes lighted up.

“No worries, mate. I’m Liam.”

“Harry.”

They exchanged a handshake. Harry slowly started to feel more grounded just by this little interaction. There was something in this boy that made him calmer. Gemma used to tell him that the first conversation is the most difficult.

“You’re new here?” asked Liam a moment later.

“Yeah, transferred from a different school,” Harry tried his best to sound as casual as possible, praying internally.

“Cool,”

Soon they started to walk together to the class, maintaining a small talk. Harry was not used to talking to others, especially that Liam seemed truly interested in what he was saying. He seemed to be nice and energetic. He promised Harry to introduce him to his other friends and invited him to sit with them at lunch. Harry tried to stop butterflies in his stomach from literally flying out of his mouth.

He got invited to sit with some people at lunch.

Let him repeat, he, Harry Styles, got invited to sit with some people at lunch.

He could not remember the last time he did not spend lunch all alone in a library.. Not to mention when someone asked him to join them at the table. Probably sitting with him used to be the worst punishment anyone could get.

_What if he’s making fun of him?_

_What if he’s trying to be nice and hopes you would turn down his offer?_

_What if he will mess everything up? Say something stupid and embarrass himself and no one would ever want to talk to him?_

The class went really smooth, turned out he was not behind with the material, knew exactly what was going on. The teacher also seemed pretty okay and did not ask Harry to introduce himself in front of the class, bless him. At least some part of the weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He saw a few students looking at him, which made him feel uneasy and a bit self-conscious, but he did his best to ignore him.

_Maybe they know._

_Maybe they know._

_Faggot._

_Faggot._

_Dirty little faggot._

Shut up, for God’s sake.

He pushed himself to focus on what the teacher was saying, pulling his weight into making notes and highlighting the important parts of the material. Life was okay. Everything was okay. He was okay.

The bell finally allowed him to breathe. He managed to ask some other student where his next class was, and surprisingly she seemed happy to help him. He wasn’t sure how to react to that not being used to people treating him with any kindness. She talked to him a little, just a regular small talk and Harry felt comfortable enough to even make a joke, and she laughed. And it did not sound fake, she genuinely found him funny. For a moment he had an urge to make sure there were no hidden cameras and no one was pranking him.

It all was weird, but he didn’t want to complain. He felt like he had shifted to a different reality. He was truly scared that soon the bubble was to burst, or he was to wake up. The next hours were like an ordinary day at school. He made notes. Got to know new teachers and even some new people. Somehow he managed to get to all of his classes on time and with the help of the others.

And then it was time for lunch. Part of him dreaded this moment while the other was truly excited. He tried to remind himself that Liam seemed nice that he might not be a joke. That here no one knows his secret dirty little secret.

“Harry!” the voice behind him called. 

He turned around and saw Liam with another boy. Subconsciously he made a step back as if getting ready to escape. Old habits die hard. He reminded him of his old bullies. He was tall, had dark hair and piercing eyes. His broad body was covered in a jacket similar to Harry’s and there was a trace of a tattoo visible behind his sleeve. He seemed like people the ones like him would not want to mess with. His muscles became tense and the whole body was ready to just run away as soon as possible to avoid any damage. Harry could feel his heart beating faster.

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

“Hi!” He managed to answer doing his best to sound loud and cheerful.

“Let me introduce to you, this is Zayn. Zayn this is Harry.”

Zayn extended his hand in his direction and Harry automatically shook it. He looked straight into his eyes, so the other one would not see how terrified he truly was. It was too much for him, and it was merely the beginning. He could not do it. He could not. He was so stupid.

“Nice to meet you, Harry,” Zayn’s voice was soft and surprisingly calm. “C’mon the other ones should already be at the table.”

Harry nodded and fuck. The other ones. This was not the over of this embarrassment. Wonderful, just fucking wonderful. He followed Liam and Zayn to the table where he saw two boys sitting and engaged in a conversation. One of them had blonde hair that Harry suspected to be dyed and the other… Jesus Christ.

The other boy could be described as the prettiest person Harry has ever seen. He was so so lovely. His eyes were blue blue blue like the ocean and Harry wanted to dive right in, get lost in there and maybe even drown there. They were also shining as if someone put little sparks in them. Harry could feel a weird trembling in his knees. The boy looked so soft, with his hair falling into his eyes, glowing delicate skin and the surrounding energy. He was the embodiment of the sun. He wanted to take a picture of him or a make a drawing and hung it in a gallery where everyone could appreciate it.

And Harry was so so fucked.

“Lima!” the Sunny Boy exclaimed. “Where have you been, we’ve been waiting for you for ages!”

“Don’t be dramatic. It’s been like ten minutes.” Liam rolled his eyes.” Told ya that I am meeting Harry outside the cafeteria. Speaking of which, guys, this Harry. Harry the blond one is Niall and the Drama Queen is called Louis.”

Louis.

This name felt like a melted marshmallow on his tongue. Sweet and delicate, precious. Like a sun touching his skin on a summer evening. Gosh, he was so stupid.

“Hey, Curly, you’ve been a bit of a hot topic since morning” Louis smiled at him, and it felt like someone wrapped him in the softest blanket in the world and sheltered in a hug.

And wait, what?

“What?” he asks. “What does that mean?”

“Mate” Niall is the one to talk.” Girls have been going crazy about this new hot guy at our school. I’ve heard a couple of them gossiping about a new hot guy who appears to be nice and funny”

And wait, what again?

He, Harry Styles, declared loser, was suddenly a “hot topic since morning”. Just the idea of it sounded so ridiculous. This could not be happening. Where were the hidden cameras? He was still the same clumsy dork he was last week. He just looks a bit different that’s all. He felt nauseous all over again.

“Oh my God,” Louis started to laugh, and Lord what a sound it was. Harry could probably write an entire poetry book about how gorgeous it sounded. He wanted to record it and set it as his alarm clock to make waking up early the best moment of the day” You look absolutely horrified.”

Harry was officially blushing. His cheeks have turned into giant beetroots. The warmth was all over his face and he felt like a little kid that was caught stealing cookies.

“It’s just weird.” He admitted and sounded a little shy, so he quickly straightened his back.

“Mate, we’re talking about high school girls, they are just naturally weird.” said Niall while taking a bite of his lunch. “Plus it’s not like every week we’ve got a new hot guy transferring here.”

“We don’t need a new hot guy every week, Neil, we’ve already got plenty of hot guys in this school.” Louis smirked. “No offence, Harold.”

“Harry,” he corrected him.

It felt so weird having people refer to him by his true name.

“That’s what I said Harold.” 

Was it a nickname? Did Harry just get a real nickname? He was not sure whether he should be excited or nervous. Nicknames were usually good, especially that this one did not sound derogatory. It sounded friendly, so maybe Louis liked him? Like a friend of course. Gosh, Harry really needed to calm down a little, he was already over analysing everything. 

“Excuse him, Harry, he’s a child, but he’s pretty popular, so we hang out with him.” said Zayn smiling at Louis, who made an offended sound and threw a crisp at him.

“Shut up!” Louis shouted. “Stop being rude to me, Zaynie, I am the captain of the football team. I can kick your ass, peasant.”

Harry almost choked on the air. He felt the bitter taste of disappointment on his tongue. Luckily, he was not eating, otherwise he would definitely lose consciousness. Louis was the captain of the football team. 

_The captain of the football team._

_The fucking captain of the football team._

_It was all a joke, his life was a joke._

He was literally sitting at one table with a damn captain. This was not happening. He felt like running away, he felt the urge to go to the bathroom and hide. He needed his inhalator.

“Are you all guys on a team?” he asked, managing to keep his voice steady.

He had to put his hands on his knees to mask how much they were shaking. It was not looking good. His stomach started to clench, any trace of an appetite gone. He needed to play it smart. He could not be cross with Louis. He needed to survive this day. It was already too much for him, he could feel the fog covering his thoughts.

Niall started to laugh.

“No, no, Louis is the only one,” he explained. “Liam is into sports, but it is more of a hobby, so he does not treat it so seriously. Zayn is more like an art kid, and I am the cool Irish lad and I know how to throw a sick party. We’re the Dream Team, not to brag.”

“What a great introduction, Neil, I am impressed.” Louis said, voice dripping with sarcasm, and stole some of his sandwich which turned into the two of them arguing like kids.

Harry felt a bit safer but still felt scared. An Inner part of him was telling him that he should avoid Louis at all cost. He suddenly started to make him anxious in a bad way, In a way that made his heart beat faster, hands shake and breathe unsteady. He made a small movement to sit a bit further from him, putting on a distance. Hopefully, he will be able to get to know the rest of the boys without needing to interact with him too much. Maybe he was biased, he knew that, and was not proud of it, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.


	4. 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people! I do not know how but I managed to write an entire chapter today. I was too excited to keep it, so decided to make an update. I do not really have a particular schedule, although my aim is to publish at least once a week. As always, any feedback is more than welcome, and I'd like to say a huge thank you for almost 150 hits and for all of your lovely comments!

Just as Harry predicted - Liam, Zayn, and Niall were really nice and were the perfect friend material.

During his first month at the new school his suspicions were confirmed: all the boys were popular and for some reason wanted to befriend Harry. They really seemed genuine, but Harry still could not help but feel like they are pulling a prank on him. He could not just shut up his anxiety, which was incredibly annoying and ruthless. Because of that he was really slowly warming up to them. It resembled walking on the ice, one wrong step, and he was to fall into the cold water of the reality.

Moreover, he somehow managed to spend as little time with Louis as possible. He did not trust him. Sometimes he felt like a hawk watching the boy watching for some signs that he is a horrible person and Harry is not being the drama queen. There were times when they would meet for a brief moment but luckily the boys despite being good friends would not really spend much time with each other at school. Niall told him that all of them usually hang out after classes and did stuff together, but at school their fields of interest were so diverse that outside of lunch hours they were usually apart. Harry really liked it. It allowed him to get to know all the boys personally. He really bonded with Zayn over day mutual interest in silly romantic comedies and sci-fi films. As it turned out they even had matching Doctor Who mugs in a shape of the TARDIS. Slowly the whole Zayn’s “artsy bad boy” countenance started to fade away and the boy showed Harry more of his regular personality - still artsy but more of a nerd with a soft spot for cartoons and Harry Potter. Not so surprisingly, with Niall he bonded over food. It started with Harry telling him that he worked part-time in a bakery during the summer and then offered to bake something for him. 

Needless to say, Niall really enjoyed his cookies, and they even made a pact that Niall will get him answers to some maths quizzes in exchange for his baked goods (his mom even asked Harry for a recipe for his raisin chocolate chip cookies, not to brag or anything). 

Harry thought that Liam would be the hardest to befriend. He was really into sports, except for gold (“It’s a shame, Liam, you have absolutely no taste.” said Niall while trying to persuade all of them to go golfing) and Harry was absolutely rubbish at sports. But turned out that Liam overall was just a really nice person to talk to, even if they did not talk about anything specific. He had a lot of funny stories to tell, was more than happy to help him settle in a new place and in general was like a giant teddy bear.

And there was Louis.

Louis was… well, he was always there. Obviously, he was still primarily friends with the other three boys, so he would usually sit with them at lunch. Sometimes he would catch a glimpse of him while walking down the hall. He heard people talking about him while mentioning the upcoming match or while girls were gushing how pretty he was. They did not interact much. Usually Harry kept his distance around him and overall avoided eye contact. Was it childish? Yeah, probably. But he could not have cared less.

Gemma and his mum were overjoyed when he slowly started to mention the boys. Just a small story here and there of how Niall made a fool of himself at the cafeteria, how Liam scolded him for talking with his mouth open, how Zayn agreed to lend him the third Star Wars film and made plans with him to do the marathon of the whole series. It was something new for all three of them. Never Harry really had friends, never really had anyone to talk to them about.

Now he could truly say that life was pretty good. People started to consider him “a popular kid” because of the boys. Others were pretty nice to him, and would sometimes greet him when he was walking past them. Once he even heard some people talking about him and how he’s good-looking, kind, and just the perfect boyfriend material. He could not hold his smile. It was such a difference. Not once in his previous school did he hear nice things about himself (except once when a girl complimented his valentine cookies, but that day was something he’d rather forget about). Obviously, sometimes his anxiety was acting up but overall he managed to keep it under control. He no longer had to hide almost every day in the bathroom to do breathing exercises, he rarely felt this ache in his chest, and he no longer was lonely. His inhalator was still in his backpack but for quite a long time there was no need for it to make an appearance. The boys made him feel safe. Like maybe, he is not just a misfit, not just a weirdo. They hang out at school and even sometimes outside it. They even invited him to watch the games together, but he was reluctant to go (not just because of Louis). It was not his scene. The games were always loud and crowded, which made him feel a little nauseous. Not to mention, he never really went to see them. He did not want to go there all alone, knowing that the whole team is not fond of him.

This time Harry decided to change it.

When Liam asked him if he was going with them to the game, he happily agreed. The boys seemed really excited to have him with them. With a tiny blush covering his cheeks he explained to them that he had never gone to the game before and asked them what he should bring. They were cool about him, advised him to dress warmly and maybe bring something to keep the spirits high like a poster, if he wanted. For now, he decided not to go big, he wanted just to check how this would turn out.

On the day of the game, he wore a T-shirt, jumper and a jacket. It was slowly getting warmer outside, but the game took place in the evening, and he did not want to catch a cold. Plus, he was invited to the after party and was to go back home relatively late.

“If we win, we’re going to get smashed, if we lose, we’re going to get smashed, both reasons are good enough,” Niall explained to him.

It sounded quite reasonably, so Harry just nodded.

At first his mom was a bit apprehensive of the whole party, because Harry was never the type to go to any of them. He promised her that he would stay close to the boys, would not drink nor do any other illegal activities. It’s not like he would ever want to do them. At the end, she agreed, visibly having a hard time dealing with his little shy boy becoming more social. But she knew this could actually be good for him.

“Harry!” Niall exclaimed when he saw him approaching the group.

They still had some time before the event was supposed to start, but they decided to meet early to get the best seats possible. Unfortunately it was not like in the moves where they could get a VIP section just because they were mates with the captain. And they really needed a good view. Liam told Harry that they treat every Louis’ game very seriously and usually get really emotional. They always want him to feel his support and how proud they were of him. He also mentioned that they never skipped a game.

Harry could feel the bubble of warmth appearing in his chest while listening to how Liam talked about Louis, like an older brother praising his younger sibling. Louis was so lucky to have friends like them. He wished that one day he would have ones just like them, that would care for him, support him and make him feel like he matters. One day.

“Nice to see you!” He greeted them with a smile.

“Are you ready to have some fun, mate?” Niall wrapped his arm around his shoulder. “Are you excited for your first ever game?”

Harry just started to laugh at how enthusiastic he was. He got a little closer to Niall to enjoy how warm. And because he simply could.

One thing he really loved about Liam and Niall was how tactile they were. He suspected that perhaps touch was their love language, and it made him feel wonderful. Sometimes he thought that all those years as an outcast made him a bit touch starved. Outside his family he never received any affection. Zayn was a bit more distant, but Harry noticed that he really enjoyed being close to Liam, and they would often sit close to each other at lunch.

“All ready?” Liam asked. All of them confirmed. “Then, let’s go!”

The boys cheered and went to find a good place to sit. It did not take them long, they managed to find a good view. They all settled and started to chat a little about ordinary stuff. They told Harry how the games usually looked like, who was their rival and how much it would take for them to win. Not only that, but they praised Louis for being a great captain, but they also mentioned that sometimes he got really stressed about the game. Niall also said something about Louis feeling more settled when he could see his friend in the crowd because it made him feel more confident and motivated him to work even harder.

“Harry, may I ask you about something?” Liam’s voice was soft and quieter than a minute before.

He nodded, unsure of what’s to come.

“Are you and Louis, like, okay?”

Harry could feel his muscles becoming more tense. He and Louis were the furthest from being okay. He had no idea why Liam even asked this question. It was pretty obvious that they were not getting along whatsoever.

_And whose fault this is?_

_You can’t trust him._

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we? We don’t know each other that well.”

“You’re not getting along, which is a bit weird, cause Louis is like the easiest person in the world, ya know.”

Harry wanted to laugh so badly. Louis was not “easy ”, he was so terrifying to Harry, he made him feel in the strangest way possible. He did his best to avoid him, but it did not stop his eyes from looking for him in the crowd. He could not look him in the eyes when they were close, but when he was away he really enjoyed just appreciating him. Harry was so so torn. It felt like Louis was hidden behind a glass wall. Part of him crumbled when he was near, was screaming for him to leave him alone and not to hurt him. But then he saw how he interacted with others, how they adored him and he no longer was able to distinguish truth from lies.

“It’s a bit complicated, if I’m honest.” he admitted quietly.

He could feel Liam’s eyes at him but not in a way that made him jumpy and insecure. More like he was watching him to make sure he was okay, and he had no idea how to handle it.

“Did something happen between the two of you?”

His voice was soft and reminded him of how Gemma would sometimes talk to him when he was an anxious mess, lost in his thoughts and his duvet.

“No, not at all actually. We just… I guess neither of us really wants to get to know the other one.”

“Are you sure about that?” Liam’s eyebrows furrowed.

Really? Was he sure about that? Of course. He nodded in confirmation. The other boy looked like he was about to say more, but then the game started and the attention was shifted to the field.

Harry could breathe a bit better.

The game was surprisingly interesting. He knew the rules and was able to follow what was happening. The crowd was really energetic, he could see different posters with funny slogans. The atmosphere seemed to be welcoming, although the emotions were visible.

And there was also Louis. Who looked like he was in the right place at the right time. He moved so smoothly, with so much confidence like he was made to be here and to play. He seemed to be in control of what was happening on the field. Harry could see why he was the captain. People on the team trusted him, followed his orders, and he was able to look out for each of them. His blue blue blue eyes sliding through the field, making sure that everyone knows what to do. Harry was truly amazed by him and a bit hypnotized. At some point he stopped following the game and focused only on Louis.

And what a view it was.

_Pretty, pretty, pretty._

_So pretty._

The way his hair, normally unruly and all over the place, was now wet and sticking to his forehead made his knees weak. The shirt, don’t even get he started on how it complimented his waist. It should be illegal to look like this.

He could stare at him for eternity, but suddenly he scored a goal and people started to cheer. Harry was disoriented for a moment when he felt arms around him, and it took him a couple of seconds to understand that they won. Oh my god, they won and Louis scored the final goal.

The boys looked so happy and rushed to hug Louis. Harry stayed behind them, he would congratulate him a bit later, perhaps at the party. Now he needed to get all the love and appreciation from his friends. And by no means was he one of them. He was just watching them with a warm goofy smile blossoming on his face.

***

The party was _loud,_ but what else was he expecting? He felt like a fish out of water, so lost and overwhelmed. Gosh, why was he doing it to himself? Why did he agree to do this? He hated it here.

He always avoided parties at all costs. Not like he even really got invited to any of them in the first place. They were places for cool people, and he used to be the furthest thing from that. Besides, he had no one who would like him to go to the party and have fun with him. So, to be honest, he started to feel a bit anxious. He could not take his inhaler because there was no way for it to fit into the pocket of his jeans. If anything was to happen, he’d be screwed. He decided to really stick to the boys, where it was the safest. Maybe he’d look like a puppy following his owner everywhere, but fuck this.

Niall was the first one to get to the drinks. He was drinking the most but also knew how to handle alcohol, and apparently he knew his limits. Liam and Zayn also took a couple of shots but getting drunk was not their main goal. Harry, as he promised his mum, turned down any offer, explaining that he simply does not like alcohol and settled for fizzy drinks. At first, he felt a bit ashamed to admit that he’s not much of a partier, but the boys did not seem to judge him. They just shrugged and dragged him to the dance floor. 

Maybe he was not the greatest dancer on the planet, but he really liked the playlist. What was incredibly reassuring was that others were even worse than him but no one really cared. Right, it was not competition. It was just a party. No one is going to look at him and judge him.

Surprisingly, he really did have a great time. He felt free and confident, and he could not remember the time when he was like that. He was even asked by a girl to dance with him, and he accepted. It was nothing special and, what was more important, nothing too sexual. Just a simple moves mixed with a bit of a conversation. It turned out it was the same girl he talked to during his first day at school. Again, she was really nice and friendly to him, and he was so not used to getting any attention from girls. Even though they were not what he was looking for, part of him whispered to him that it is better to seem straight that again become The Faggot. He bowed a bit and thanked her for dancing with him, which made her blush. He gave her a small smile and decided to grab something to drink. Dancing was still a bit like a workout to him.

He opened a fridge and saw a couple of cans of Cola Zero, which Harry decided was enough for him. He was a bit hot, so the cold drink was really pleasant.

“Hi” A small voice greeted him and… _oh._

Harry almost dropped his drink when he saw who was talking to him. Louis, of course it was Louis. He had a small smile and his face, his cheeks covered in a small blushed, Harry could see that he was a bit sweaty but still looked simply gorgeous.

“Hi,” he replied unsure of what to do. “I don’t think I’ve got the chance to congratulate you. You’re a really great player and a captain.”

Louis looked like he did not expect that but nevertheless his smile grew bigger and eyes crinkles, they fucking crinkles. Harry wanted to trace those lines with small kisses. He needed to put himself together, he was being ridiculous.

“Thank you, Harry,” Louis answered with sincerity in his voice.

It was Harry’s turn to blush, but he hoped it would not be visible because of the partial darkness.

“Did you enjoy the game?”

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand why Louis was still talking to him and why something inside him truly wanted him to continue. Why wasn’t he running away? Why did he not want to do so?

This weird feeling was back. The pressure in his chest, the warmth on his cheeks and a foreign trembling of his knees and hands. It was like he was feeling too little and too much at once.

“Yes, surprisingly.”

Louis raised his brows, suddenly the smile on his face seemed to be more playful or cheeky.

“Surprisingly?”

“I’ve never really been a person to go to see the games,” Harry admitted. “So I did not know what to expect.”

“Then I’m really glad that you liked it. And that the boys were not much of a distraction, I know they can get loud.”

Harry laughed and it was so unexpected that he surprised himself with this action.

“They were, but I know it’s because they really care about you. Liam gave me the whole speech beforehand. He’s protective of you, it’s very sweet.”

Something in Louis’ eyes began to sparkle and his smile turned into more delicate and soft. Harry did not know how to handle this expression, so full of fondness and appreciation. It looked so beautiful on him, he should always be like that.

“They all are, to be honest. They are a bunch of idiots, but they are also the best friends in the whole entire world, so I am able to put up with them.”

Both of them laughed at that comment and it was so Louis. Sarcasm and cheekiness mixed with true affection. Sweet and sour. Playful and soft.

He wanted to say more, but suddenly they were approached by Liam and Zayn. Liam had his arm around the other boy’s waist, both of them flushed and eyes shining.

“Hi, you!” Liam said. “How are you finding the party? Having fun?”

Both of them nodded.

“Do you want to join us? We wanted to do karaoke, but we’ve lost Niall somewhere in the crowd.”

“Seems like a cool idea, lads.” Louis looked excited. Harry definitely did not think of him as a singing enthusiast. He must have a beautiful voice based on the way he talks. “Harold, are you in?”

Oh, so the invitation included him? He needed to get used to that. Harry wasn’t sure if he was ready for karaoke, especially in front of those people. He loved to sing, but only when he was on his own and no one could hear him. 

“For now, I’ll pass, but thank you,” Harry truly was grateful for even a small thing.

“If you say so.” shrugged Zayn and then leaned to kiss Liam on the cheek. “Let’s go, love”.

And Harry could feel something crashing inside him. He blinked a few times, trying to figure out if what he saw was true or was it just his mind playing tricks. This could not have been true, right?

 _Zayn kissed Liam on the cheek_.

Zayn called Liam _love_.

Were they, like, a couple? What was happening.

_Faggot._

_Faggot._

_I, Marcel Styles, like to suck dicks._

_Dirty little faggot._

It all was back, he was choking on air, he felt like he was torn between reality and a dream or rather a nightmare. No, no, no. He wanted to puke, he wanted to throw his heart out. It was too much, too much.

Harry could feel the colours draining from his face and his breathing becoming irregular. He did not know how to process this information. His mouth was probably hanging open, but who cares. Oh my god. That would have explained why Zayn only liked to be close to Liam. Why they would spend so much time together. Was Harry really this oblivious?

_This was not happening._

_This was not happening._

“Harry?” He heard Louis’ voice getting through the fog of his thoughts.

And oh my God Louis was there and saw it. He saw them kissing, he heard them using pet names. Harry was too scared to even look at him. Was he disgusted? Did he know? Was he aware what his friends were? He needed his inhaler, now. He felt like he was trapped, a room suddenly turned into a labyrinth and Harry was too disoriented to know the way out. Home, he needed to go home, to safety. No one would find him there. Nate would not find him there.

There was icing on his forehead. Or was it?

“Harry are you alright?” this time it was Liam looking at him with concern.

He was definitely all right. He was a mess. A mess of tangled thoughts and uncomfortable emotions.

“Are you guys like…” he’s voice was unsteady, his whole body was shaking “together?”

Zayn furrowed his brows. The mood between them shifted and became more tense.

“Yes, we are.” There was a protectiveness in his voice, which was something Harry has never heard before.

“You’re okay with that, right?” Louis asked him from beside him, "Right?"

Was _he_ okay with that? What question was that? Why was _he_ the one asking _him_? Harry felt theneyes on him, waiting for an answer. He felt dizzy, he needed to get out. Gosh, why had he left his inhalator at home. Why did he think that this all was a great idea?

He could not understand anything, how was he to process all the new information. He tried to take deeper breaths but nothing was able to calm him down.

For the first time in what seemed like an eternity he looked at Louis, eyes wild and face full of confusion.

“Are _you_ okay with that?” He asked, shocked.

Suddenly he could no longer hear the music. There was silence surrounding them, like the time had stopped. Like only the four of them were existing.

Louis looked at him with rage in his eyes. There was no trace of softness and cheekiness. He was no longer that boy from ten minutes earlier. He was back to being terrifying.

“Get the fuck out” he spit, voice tense and cold. Harry felt shivers running down his spine. He remembered the last time someone used this voice on him.

“I…” he mumbled.

“Get the fuck out, you _homophobic asshole_.” He yelled at him with pure anger.

You looked at Liam and Zayn and saw hostility in his eyes mixed with hurt and disappointment. They still were close to each other, Liam’s hand squeezing Zayn’s waist with more force now, as if he was protecting him from _from Harry._ No, he could not lose them. Not them, out of all people.

Harry was _so so so_ scared. He crumbled, his stomach, heart and lungs clenched. He needed to say something, explain, do anything, but he barely was able to breathe, his vision slowly became blurry. He needed to get some fresh air. He needs to find a shelter. Harry could not stay here any more.

Without saying a word, he just ran. And ran and ran and ran, and it all _hurt_.


	5. 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people! Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for over 200 hits! It grows so fast! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter and, as always, any feedback is more thank welcome.  
> Love, love, love, M.

The rest of the night was a blur. Harry barely remembered getting back home. All he saw was darkness, a couple of street lights but besides all of that he was on an autopilot. Like he had lost control over his body and let someone do all those things for him. Luckily, mum and Gemma were asleep so no one saw him. There was no way he could have faced them in his state.

He was a walking disaster. Or rather a running disaster. How did he manage to fuck this all up so quickly? It has been barely over a month. How was it even possible? His whole body was shaking and somewhere between running away from the boys and going back home he started to cry. Maybe bawling his eyes out was a bit of a better description. His tears were everywhere and they only kept falling. Using the rest of his strength he fell onto the bed and just allowed the darkness to swallow him.

He could not remember feeling this bad in quite some time. He was reduced to a sobbing and shaking mass, not knowing what time it is and barely being able to hold back a scream. Harry bit a pillow, so he would not make a single sound. He wanted to wake Gemma up, he wanted to keep her close, listen to her soothing voice, tell her everything. But this was his problem and he needed to finally grow the fuck up. He could not always cling to his big sister whenever he could not handle the world around him.

He had no idea what was worse, the look of betrayal on Liam and Zayn’s faces or the anger on Louis’. He was going to lose his friends. The only friends he’s had in such a long time. He was going to be the loser again. Everyone is going to know that. No one would talk to him again, and they would make fun of him, and this time he just ran straight to the loo and threw up. And Niall, gosh, they had to tell him. He was a bit relieved that he did not have to witness the blonde one finding out what Harry did. Why was it all happening to him? Why could he not just be happy for a bit longer?

He had no idea how to face them on Monday. How to even move on. They hated him. All four of them, and he fully deserved that.

He was still confused. Liam liked boys. Zayn liked boys. They liked each other. They were just like Harry. And Louis knew about it, not only that, Louis stood up for them, protected them. From Harry. He knew and apparently he was okay with that. He was not disgusted with them, he had not called them names, he still was their friend in spite of what they were. He looked at them like they were normal, he still adored them and was thankful to have them. How? How on earth was this possible. How did he manage to be so ignorant? It was like he had a weight of an entire world on his shoulders. It felt like everything that he knew so far was a lie. Not only that, but it was so weird to be so wrong about so many things. He was so desperately holding onto what he thought had to be right that he just let himself be blinded by it. Because it has always been this way. But Louis, and the boys, were so different, and it was so overwhelming. He felt like he entered a brand-new word and had yet to learn how it all worked out. He slowly got up, flushed the toilet and dragged himself to bed. He could feel the exhaustion taking over his body, pressing him to the mattress, leaving him boneless and utterly defenceless.

Despite being dead to his feet he got a pitiful sleep. He kept on reliving those terrible Valentine’s Day, but this time at the end Nate was not the one looking at him, no, it was the boys.

_ I, Marcel Styles, like to such dicks. _

_ I, Marcel Styles, like to… _

_ Get the fuck out, you homophobic asshole. _

He wanted to get out of his own life so badly.

***

He spent the whole Saturday in bed, not wanting to face anyone. He barely ate anything and did anything at all. He tried to hide himself, making an armour out of his duvet. Maybe if he squeezed his eyes hard enough he would be able to ignore the world. He ignored all his homework, nothing well that there was no way for him to focus on it. It didn’t matter to him. His brain was a mud, and it felt like it was overheating due to all the thinking that was taking place.

He needed to confront the boys about everything. And for that Harry had to come up with a plan. It had to be well planned, so it would not end in a disaster. That was the hardest part. He needed to find the right words and explain what had happened. But he did not know whether he should tell them all of it or just enough to, hopefully, earn their forgiveness. He could not just say “I am not homophobic, I am gay. I freaked out because they hated what I am at school, and it feels surreal that here it all is so perfect, that you are okay with me.”

It sounded pretty bad. No, there was no way that this would be enough. Nothing seemed to be enough. The boys welcomed him with open eyes, made him feel nothing but respected and safe. They made him feel like it all will be okay, like he can have nice things and be treated nice.

He closed his eyes again, not wanting the tears to fall down. He hated being like that, he hated the fact that he was back to the start, that he ever allowed himself to fall down this path. He really was a loser. The one that was mean to his friends, disappointed them and made them feel unwelcome. What an UNO reverse card. Harry really for once managed to be the bully, even though it was unintentional.

He took his phone and hesitantly started to type in the message. He was not sure whether he should write it on their group chat or message one of them privately. Maybe not a group chat. That was too vague. And he was not sure whether it would be better to have one big conversation or talk to some of them separately. Nothing seemed like a good way out. He reached for his inhaler, currently glued to his side because his anxiety was at his peak.

_ Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out. _

_ It will be okay _ . 

He finally decided to text Liam. He seemed like the person that was the most hurt by his actions. And hopefully, he would at least make an effort to remain nice to him.

Harry **: Hi, it’s Harry. I am writing to ask you whether it would be possible for the three of us to meet and talk about what happened at the party. I would be grateful for an opportunity to explain why I behaved the way I did, but if you do not want me to be a part of your lives, I’ll understand. H.**

He read the text a few times to make sure there were no typos and that it sounded formal and clear. He knew it was not an English essay, but he wanted to appear like he pulled his weight into this message. The boy stared at the screen for a couple more minutes, feeling like this was one of those life defining moments. Or at least his friendship defining moment.

The fifteen minutes it took Liam to respond felt like years. When Harry saw a notification appearing on his screen, he held his breath. His body started to tremble yet again, wanting to be over, wanting to just know what Liam wrote without needing to actually read it.

Liam:  **Are you free today?**

T-today? Oh my god. He needed more time, he did not expect the confrontation to happen so quickly. He pulled his hair, not knowing how to handle all those emotions and anxiety. There was no time to waste. He had to make a decision now.

Harry:  **Yes, just let me know where we should meet and at what time.**

Liam:  **Meet us at mine. In an hour?**

Hourhourhourhourhourhourhour, it was a joke. But he had no other choice. It was now or never. Deep breaths. He really needed to make himself a cup of calming tea and a few sets of his breathing exercises before going there. He could not just have an anxiety attack in front of them to add to the embarrassment.

Okay, so Liam’s place was a pretty neutral ground. He had visited him some time ago to watch The Rain since his Netflix was hijacked by Gemma and her friends, so he knew how to get there and that he had around thirty minutes before he had to get out of the house. It all will be okay. Harry needed to remain positive and confident. He knew what he wanted to tell them and could only hope they would understand. If not, then he’ll just go back to being his regular self. He’s been living like that his whole life, and it seemed so foreign to him that all it took was a month to forget how it was.

***

“Harry,” Liam greeted him with a stern expression, but surprisingly there was no hostility on his face.

“Hi.”

He forced a smile, but he was well aware that it looked faked and stiff. Whatever. He slowly entered the house, and froze. In the living room was not only Zayn, no, all of them came. He felt Louis’ eyes on him, their colour emphasized by the coldness in them. He stared at him in a way that made him feel like a child who was to be scolded by his parents. The older boy was sitting on a couch, a big jumper covering his body, his hair messy and face focused and almost expressionless. Harry felt so small under his gaze, so bare, and unsure. Liam did not warn him that there will be more of them, or rather all of them. To be honest, maybe that was a part of his punishment, making the situation even more uncomfortable for him. Not like this should be comfortable for him. He was rambling and it was barely a start.

It was so weird to feel like that around them, not knowing how to behave, not knowing what is right and what is wrong to do. He wanted them back. To look at him like they used, not like he was a stranger.

He sat down on an armchair directly in front of all the boys. He tried to make himself look smaller, almost wanting to just hug kiss knees to create some form of protection. Liam sat next to Zayn, and put his hand on his hip in something that seemed to be a reassuring gesture. Harry wanted to give them a tiny smile, but it was not yet his privilege.

“Are you going to say something or are we here to look at each other for hours?” Louis was the one to speak first, voice raspy and distance.

Harry never thought that sounds could hurt, but this one did. This tone did not suit Louis, and was lacking energy and softness.

“S-sorry,” he stuttered, feeling the warmth spreading onto his cheeks, gosh. “I mean, it’s not my apology yet, it’s just sorry for taking so long to talk. And sorry for rambling. Sorry.”

“Harry,” Niall interrupted him.

Harry just shut up. This was a disaster. He was so going to fuck this up. He was going to lose his friends, because apparently he cannot even maintain the only friendships he’s ever had. Maybe he should just pack his stuff and go home to dwell.

“Sor-”

“If you say sorry one more time and not in a context that we all want to hear, I swear I will fucking punch you.” Louis said with a blank expression.

Harry dropped his gaze onto the floor, taking a deep breath to get a grip.

_ Do it, Harry. _

_ Just tell them everything. _

_ Fight for them, do not let them slip away from you. _

“I really want to apologize for what has happened at that party.” he said, trying to keep his voice loud and confident.” I… I don’t want you to be mad at me. And I do not want to lose you. The thing is that, well, at my previous school, um” he needed to take a few deeper breaths to keep himself calm.” People there were not the nicest to those who were a bit different. And would do mean things to them. Like, really really mean things. Especially the members of the soccer team.” he still avoided looking anyone in the eyes.” That was, like, part of the reasons why I left. It was not a good place. And I came here and everything was so different. Like,  _ so so so _ different. And at that party, it all just felt too surreal.” he started to play with his sleeve to distract himself a bit from the weight on his chest and tears that threatened to reach his eyes. No, he could not cry. Not in front of them. He did not want them to find he was trying to manipulate them into forgiving him. “I mean, people were nice, the atmosphere was pretty welcoming, I had friends who, I guess, really cared about me. And then, the cherry on top, you were, well, okay with… with  _ those things _ .”

_ Faggot. _

_ Faggot. _

_ Icing on the forehead. _

_ Marcy likes to suck dicks. _

_ I, Marcel Styles-” _

“You mean being gay?” Liam asked, interrupting a new way of memories, and now he sounded calm and maybe even a tiny bit soft.

Harry nodded.

“As I said, the soccer team especially was, well, pretty mean to kids… kids like that. So seeing Louis, the captain, just treating it like something normal, I mean obviously it is normal and okay, just, him being friends with people like that and not being mean to them was a lot. And I got a bit overwhelmed. With all of that. And I have this thing, where sometimes I have trouble breathing. And that night I left my inhaler at home, because it was a party and I had no pocket to hide it. So when it all became too much I just… you know.”

He swallowed harshly, letting the room be flooded with silence. He was not sure if what he said was enough, whether it sounded okay. Furthermore, he knew that somewhere in the middle of his speech it turned into rambling, but grammar was not the most important here.

“So you were not disgusted with me and Zayn being in a relationship?”

Harry confirmed.

“And are you okay with gay people?” Liam continued.

“Y-yeah” Harry’s voice broke a little, but he quickly recovered. “Yes, I am. And I am truly sorry for ever making you feel like I don’t accept you. You didn’t deserve that. You were always so kind to me, and I am ashamed that I did not return the favour.”

The silence spilled all over the room. Harry felt like he was in some damn episode of Judge Judy, like was waiting for the jury to decide what to do with him. He started to play with his fingers, trying to distract himself a bit. His chest was back to hurting, so he needed to calm himself down. The worse, or at least he hoped, was behind him. There was nothing else he could do, just hope that the boys would give him a second chance. Louis was the one that scared him the most. He was so protective of the other ones and probably the hardest to forgive anyone for hurting them. Harry could feel especially his eyes on him, watching his every move as if to see whether it all was just a facade. Maybe Louis could read through him.

“I’m not going to lie,” Liam broke the silence, “What you did was shit. And it really hurt our feelings.”

Yeah, off to a good start. Harry had no idea how it was possible for his heart to hurt even more, but here it was aching.

“At first we did not know what to do, if I am being honest,” Zayn added. “I mean, you didn’t seem like a person that would be against our relationship, especially that we never really tried to pretend like we’re not a couple. We didn’t tell you, because we usually just let people realize it on their own. We are okay with it, and we don’t feel the need to announce it to the world. If you see it, you just see it, you know what I mean?”

‘We really like you, Harry,” the other boy was back to talking. “You’re really nice and funny, and we are glad that you decided to tell us all those things. About how it was at your previous school.”

Harry had no idea what direction they were heading. Liam sounded a little like his mother when he was having “deep” conversations with him or when he did something wrong, and she was trying to teach him a lesson.

Harry gave them a small smile, testing the waters if that was okay. He could not tell whether they were going to say that they forgive him or were they just trying to let him down slowly and gently.

“Were they mean to you as well?” Louis addressed him for the first time since he came here.

Harry felt shivers running down his spine. He did not expect that question, especially not from Louis. Was he supposed to answer? But then…  _ I, Marcel Styles, like to suck dicks _ . Wait. Wait, wait, wait, for fuck’s sake.

Did that mean that Louis  _ knew _ ? About  _ what _ Harry was? But no, that was not possible. Harry danced with that girl at the party. He had female friends in his class. He did not give away any signals that he liked boys. Not only that, but he started to feel a bit dizzy. Harry almost could feel the blood rushing through his ears, deafening him. Loo, he really needed to go to the loo.

_ Written all over your face. _

What if other people at school know? What if he just looked like a faggot, what if that was obvious. Christ, there was no way for him to escape from that. 

He shifted, probably visibly uncomfortable, probably concerning pale. He felt like he was about to pass out, but that was out of the question. It would be too embarrassing, he probably would not be able to look them in the eyes if he just lost it.

“Louis, I don’t think it’s a go-” Liam started but was cut out by the smaller boy.

“Sometimes” Harry mumbled, feeling heat on his cheeks. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to mask the embarrassment. He was okay, just a couple more deep breaths. “Sorry, may I go to the loo for a moment?”

The boys exchanged a look and Liam pointed out where the room was. Harry excused himself and, as gracefully as possible, went there and closed the door behind him. He grabbed the sink and washed his face with cold water. Harry felt hot all over, still a bit dizzy with weak knees. He closed his eyes, fighting the nausea. He needed to put himself together, as quickly as possible. One of the first things he did was to take off his jumper hoping to ease the feeling like he was suffocating.

_ Think, think, you can’t stay here forever. _

Suddenly the door opened, making him jump. Louis slowly entered the room, looking at him softly and carefully.

“C’mon, we need to sit you down,” he said.

“W-what?” Harry felt like he was about to lose it, for real.

“Shh, no talking, come here, sit down.”

He did as he was told, still feeling the blue eyes on him, following every movement.

“Good,” this should not make him feel so good, but something in him beamed at the compliment. Or was it a compliment? “Now I’m going to sit next to you, okay? I need you to tell me if you are okay with that?

“Okay.”

He felt a warm body pressing to his side and a hand slipping around his waist. The touch was overwhelming. On one hand he wanted to snuggle closer, but on the other his thoughts consisted of one word stuck on a loop LouisLouisLouisLouis, Louis was touching him. And he was so gentle and careful, and Harry did not know how to react to that.

Slowly he felt his head being lowered and finally was pressed to Louis’ chest, resting pretty comfortably in the crook of his neck.

“I want you to breathe, okay?” Louis whispered. “For now, nothing else matters, right? Just breathe and it all will be okay. We’ll talk more but do not worry about it now. It all is okay. No one is angry with you. No one will hurt you, Hazza.” His voice was so soothing, fingers slowly running through his hair simply grounding him like nothing else. He could not help but purr a little, which made Louis giggle. Actually, giggle. Harry wanted to listen to him every second for the rest of his life. “Just like that, good boy.”

Good boy.

Harry was a good boy.

It should not have affected him so much, he felt his cheeks flush but this time it was not just the embarrassment. He felt so comfortable, laying like that, with Louis’ arms around him and his steady heartbeat. Slowly his body just gave up and relaxed, sagging into the embrace. He closed his eyes, snuggling a bit closer, as if it was even possible. He did not want to admit but even Gemma’s cuddles did not feel so fantastic.

Harry had never been so intimate with Louis, it was probably their first time ever hugging. Before that they just exchanged a single handshake and that was it. But now there was almost no space between them. And it felt so good, Harry wanted to cry. How had he managed to stay away from that? This seemed like the closest to heaved he could ever get.

“Feeling better?” Louis whispered to his eyes.

Harry nodded, but still was reluctant to move away. Feeling too much always made him clingy.

“Niall wanted to watch a film today and Zayn and Liam probably won’t mind if you joined. We can move to the couch.”

“Sorry for being clingy.” Harry muttered.

One of Louis’ fingers bopped on his nose.

“Don’t apologize. At least not for that. And I also want to say sorry, for how harsh I reacted at that party. I should not have yelled at you, I should have let you explain.”

Harry shook his head. Louis had absolutely nothing to apologize for, not at all.

“You are very protective of them, it is amazing and lovely. If anyone was being mean to my friends because of whom they love, I would probably have reacted the same. Really, do not be sorry for that. If I were you, I’d just be proud of myself.”

Something appeared in Louis’ eyes, but Harry had no idea what that was, he could not recognize it. And was not sure if he wanted. But it was something positive.

“Thank you, Haz.”

Haz. The nickname. He used if earlier, but Harry thought that it was a slip of the tongue. But it was a nickname, a real nickname. Harry could literally feel butterflies in his stomach.

They both got up and relocated to the couch. Niall put on a film that he wanted to watch and all of them joined him. Zayn was pressed to Liam’s side, their hand intertwined and small private smiles on their faces.

At first Harry sat near Louis, leaving a bit of space between them, not really knowing how to now behave around him. It did not take long before he was leaning to the older boy’s side with their arms wrapped around each other and a blanket covering them. After some time in this position he felt the exhaustion, both physical and emotional, flooding him and without worrying about anything he fell asleep lulled by Louis’ heartbeat, soaked in his warmth.


	6. 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people! This chapter was a struggle! It keeps acting up, but hopefully now it's going to get better. Thank you so much for 300 hits, all your lovely comments and, as always, feedback is more than welcomed!  
> P.S This work is now over 40 pages long, it's insane!

From that moment things changed. 

Not just between Harry, Liam, Zayn and Niall but also between Harry and Louis. They spent more time together, sometimes doing silly things and sometimes just sitting in the same room, doing separate things. They all got to know each other better, but Harry still was not ready to talk about certain things. And overall it was okay. He even opened up to Louis a little more about his anxiety and the older boys seemed really interested in getting to know. He was surprisingly so understanding of some of Harry’s weird behaviours and did not make him feel judged.

To sum up, they grew closer. Harry found out that Louis has four younger sisters, that his parents got divorced just like his did. Louis' mum also worked a lot, and sometimes they do not have time to even hang out, which always made Louis a bit gloomy, but he did not want to complain. Because of that he was to babysit his siblings, most days of the week, so only was able to meet with others either at his or during the weekend. Harry also deduced that Louis’ has something he called “the oldest brother complex”, he was always there for others, always wanted to take care of everyone while completely neglecting himself. He had a hard time accepting help from others and allowing them to take care of himself, because he viewed this as his failure. In some twisted way it made Harry’s heart ache. Slowly they started texting each other daily, whether it was something silly, a funny picture found on the internet, or walls of text filled with complaining about how shitty day they had or about something that they just wanted to talk about. There were times when middle replying, Harry would decide to just call Louis, no matter what time it was he knew he would pick up, and just tell him it all.

At lunch, they sat next to each other, usually engaged in a conversation, sometimes playing on their phones or mocking the other boys. One of Harry’s favourite things about Louis, was how tactile the boy was. Surprisingly, it turned out that physical touch was doing wonders easing Harry’s nerves and the more time he spent pressed into Louis’ the better his health was overall. Gemma claimed that he looked happier, even happier than he was when he met other boys. The weird tension within the group disappeared, making them even closer and more comfortable. Harry had no excuses for avoiding particular meetings, so he would just go and socialize. Obviously, sometimes he needed to be on his own and then all he had to do was tell Louis’ and he would take care of things.

He still had his bad days, when his anxiety was acting up, causing him to wrap himself with his duvet in a burrito, when even the sound of notification on his phone made him jumpy. He hated those days. Normally, he would spend them on his own, trying to figure out how to ease the tightness in his chest. But now his new normal was texting Louis, mentioning to him briefly that he was not feeling his best and Louis was somehow almost always able to read between the lines and would come over to him. At first, he was a little reluctant, because during his “worse” days he looked like a mess. He would sit in his stuffy room, hair unbrushed and messy, sweaty T-shirt and a random pair of sweatpants. Nothing nice to look at.

But it was nothing he could not have handled.

One of the things he was most nervous about was his first visit to Louis. He had never been there before, so when Louis first invited him over, just him, no other boys, he wanted to back out. It should not be this terrifying, considering how much time they spent together. Louis had been at Harry’s before, when Gemma and his Mom were out, so he avoided stupid and uncomfortable questions. And it was okay. But this was new, and so different. He felt like he was to attend some important job interview, he had no idea what to wear, what to expect, how to behave. Louis told him that they should be all alone, since his sisters would be still at school and his mum at work, which eased his worries a bit. Still he was freaking out.

Bouncing nervously, he rang the bell standing in front of Louis’ door. He hated this tiny part of him that wanted Louis not to open them and leave him alone. He wondered if this voice would ever shut up and stop ruining happy moments.

Soon, he was faced with a smiling Louis, his eyes shining and eyes crinkled. Harry’s heart fluttered, gosh he was embarrassing.

“Hey, Hazza, come in!”

He laughed and followed Louis to the inside. The house was nice, not the biggest, but really cosy and homey. It was decorated in a peculiar way but all those nik naks somehow matched.

The boys settled on a couch and decided to watch some Netflix. Louis insisted on putting on Peaky Blinders, claiming it was the greatest show of all the time, and Harry, well it was not like he could ever deny Louis something. He had no idea what the show was about, so he asked if they could just watch it from the beginning, to make it easier for him. He tried to stay focused on the episode, but in the meantime Louis kept talking to him, throwing random comments about the plot or the characters. Not only that, but he also mentioned how he did not want to do anything but had some chores to do that his mum left him. It was like he needed to have Harry’s attention on him all the time and Harry was more welcome to indulge him, giggling at some of his remarks and making sure he followed what was on the screen.

After maybe an hour, Harry started to feel more comfortable. They even switched the position so Louis' head was on his shoulder. He was not reading onto it, knowing that his mate simply loved physical affection. Plus it helped to calm him down a bit. Like the weight of Loui’s head was grounding him. Weird. Overtime Louis became quieter, but it did not seem concerning. And it was nice. Feeling the warmth of his body while idly watching a TV series, Harry really would love to repeat that.

He wanted to say something, but then he realized that Louis had closed his eyes and, judging by his regular breath, fell asleep. Looking at him, Harry noticed the bags under his eyes and felt horrible, not knowing how tired Louis had been. Of course, he was exhausted. He was a captain of the soccer team, always working to improve his skills and being the role model for others. He was taking care of his siblings, making sure they did their homework, had warm dinner served, and they knew how much they were loved. He was a wonderful friend, always ready to help Zayn with his project, to listen to Liam and Niall’s rambling, to come over and ease Harry’s anxiety. All of that without ever taking even the smallest break. He was the best human in this world. And now he needed someone who would take care of him. Before thinking too much, Harry pressed a long kiss to his forehead, squeezing him harder for a moment. He wished he could just tell Louis how precious and amazing he was without making things weird between them. And without sounding like a child with a stupid crush.

Carefully, he picked him up and took him to his room, where he placed Louis on bed and tucked him in. The smaller boy almost immediately hugged the pillow and made a small sound. How could anyone be so adorable? Harry wanted to coo, this boy looked like an overgrown kitten, and it was doing weird things to his heart. He sat next to him for a moment, just idly running his hand through his hair and caressing his cheek from time to time. He looked so peaceful, absolutely relaxed and comfy, and just breathtaking. Harry could probably stare at him endlessly. He made a mental note to check up on Louis more often, make sure that he was getting enough sleep and cuddles. He wished he could stay with him for longer, keep him in his arms and protect him from the world. There was something profoundly wrong with him, for sure. He acted so silly.

Then he remembered that Louis mentioned something about the “to-do” list on the fridge. He really did not want to go. But he wanted to help Louis at least a little. He left one more kiss on Louis’ forehead and slowly went downstairs.

There he found a small piece of paper with simple tasks like making sure the girls did their homework and cooking them dinner. Under that there was also a message that the neighbour would pick them up, so Louis did not have to worry about it.

As silently as possible, not to disturb the sleeping boy even though he was in the other room, he searched the cupboards to see what he could use to make the dinner. After a couple of minutes, he decided to make easy pasta with tomato sauce and vegetables, nothing too hard.

Some time had passed when the door opened and four girls entered the house. Harry was a bit relieved because they weren’t so loud, but when they noticed him all of them just stopped doing whatever they were doing. They just stood there, with their coats and shoes still on, their gaze on him. Harry smiled a bit awkwardly, trying not to give away how uncomfortable he was.

“Who are you?” asked a blonde one, who seemed to be the oldest of them.

“I’m Harry, I’m Louis’ friend,” he explained.

“And what are you doing here?”

“Um, I’m making you dinner.”

“What about Lou? Why isn’t he doing that” this time it was one of the two girls that looked identical.

They were definitely to smart for their age.

“Louis is upstairs, he was not feeling well, so he went to bed to rest a bit. So today I will be your chef.”

He really hoped this would be enough for them for now. The twins seemed to be pretty content with the answers, took off their coats and shoes and just went to the living room. There they sat on the sofa and engaged into a conversation not really interested in him. Okay, not like Harry was complaining. He was left with the two older girls.

“Is he okay?” the brunette asked. He wished he knew their names, it felt rude to refer to them by their hair colour or age, even if only in his thoughts. “Is he, like, sick or something? Do we need to call mum?”

“No, no, don’t worry, it’s nothing serious, promise,” he reassured them. “This week is kicking all of us, and he needed a nap. I was here when he fell asleep and decided to help him a bit with his chores.”

“And how do you know each other?”

So, the interrogation, wonderful. He tried to remain calm while still stirring the sauce and making sure he does not burn anything.

“From school, we have mutual friends and hang out sometimes.”

“Are you friends or friends, then?”

He almost dropped the spoon. What the hell, she was maybe thirteen ish, she was not supposed to know about things like relationships. And definitely she was not supposed to ask strangers, who were cooking her dinner, by the way, if they were in a relationship with her brother. But then, she was Louis’ sister, of course she would be just like her brother.

“We are just regular friends,” he explained, praying that his voice won't give him away.

“Is that why are you cooking dinner for his little sisters? Is that what friends do?” They both were a nightmare. And both had that smirk on their faces, how on earth.

“If you are a nice person, then yes, that's what people sometimes do for their friends.”

“What are you making?”

“Pasta with some sauce.” Finally, an easy question.

“Sounds cool,” The blond looked at her other sister. “I’m Lottie, this is Fizzy, the twins are Phoebe and Daisy, but it’s okay if you mix them up. They usually do not mind and sometimes like to pull people’s legs.”

That was definitely too much information for him to process at once, but he had no other choice. He did not want to ruin their first impression of him. Why did he even care about that, for God’s sake? To avoid further embarrassment, he just went back to cooking, pulling all his weight into the dish. Being in the kitchen always made him more calm, he loved to make meals for his family and enjoy the food with them. He was pretty clumsy, but when he truly enjoyed something he was able to focus hard enough not to trip nor drop things. From time to time he would check what the girls were doing, but it seemed like they were capable of spending time on their own. The youngest were watching a cartoon, while the older seemed to be reading something.

When he was younger he wished to have more siblings. He loved Gemma, she was awesome, but he loved taking care of people and wished to have someone around his age to spend time with. When his sister was going through her rebellious state, he would often be left on his own, without anyone to spend time with. Especially then, he dreamt of having an older sibling, even if a baby one, who would entertain him. But that obviously never happened and instead, he learned how to enjoy being alone.

“Hi, Harry,” one of the twins addressed him.” Can we braid your hair?”

He looked at them hesitantly. If Louis had been there, he would have looked at him for any sort of approval or advice, but he had to deal with this on his own.

“After dinner,” he answered. ” And you have to promise me to be gentle.”

“We’ll try,” And Harry knew this was going to hurt.

It did not take him long to finish the dinner. Soon he was telling the girls to go to the kitchen and managed to serve the dinner without making a lot of mess. While they were eating, he started to clean. Surprisingly, Lottie and Fizzy started to talk to him, asking more about his friendship with Louis, how often did he visit and so on. At one point even the twins joined, telling Harry about a cartoon that they started watching, about their school and what they did there, overall pretty mundane stuff. He could not explain why it made him feel happier. The conversation became more natural when they started talking about their brother. He found out that Louis likes to be called Lou, but only by those who are really close to him, that he always drank his tea in a particular way and gets really grumpy when someone messes it up.

After he did all the dished. He put the leftovers into a container, knowing that there was enough food for at least two people, so Louis was able to eat some when he woke up. Then all five of them moved to the living room, where Harry was forced to sit on the floor in front of the sofa. Lottie brought all the “supplies” that twins needed. It was just a little painful, but it reminded him of the time when all of Gemma’s friends would ask him to do the same. Apparently, girls had a soft spot for his curls. He tried to sit still, from time to time guiding the girls how to make the whole thing less painful. They seemed to really have fun, so he did not want to spoil it. Meanwhile, they put on a different show, this time chosen by Fizzy. Harry tried to watch it but was a bit confused, so she decided to give him a summary. He listened attentively, trying to understand what it all was about. She mentioned that it was one of her favourites and she usually tried to watch it whenever she could, but with four other people wanting to use telly it was difficult. They bonded over complaining about their older siblings. He told her how Gemma was always treating him like a baby, despite being three years older and how she always pretended to know everything better.

Surprisingly, he really enjoyed the time he had spent with them. They were smart, energetic and different but at the same time so similar, it was strange. Later on, he made sure they did their homework, despite the loud protests especially coming from the twins. Lottie and Fizzy were fine on their own, so he dedicated most of his attention to twins. They really resembled Louis, were easily distracted and loved to change the topic, hoping that Harry would let them not do particular exercises.

They were almost done with the homework, when the doors opened and the room was filled with “Mummy!”. Harry felt shivers running down his spine. He did not see that coming. Louis told him that his mum was probably the nicest person in the world, but still, he was probably a stranger to her. A stranger that has spent a couple of hours in her house with her kids. He did not know what to do, he did not want Louis to get in trouble, so he just remained motionless, hoping he could just become invisible.

“How are my lovely girls?” Her voice was warm and full of pure love, she sounded so much like Louis. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes, Mummy! Harry was really nice and let me and Daisy play with his hair! It’s so curly!”

The woman looked at him for the first time, and he felt like he was back to being a five-year-old and was about to get yelled at. Was he supposed to introduce himself? Or maybe he should start by explaining the whole situation? He should also promise her that nothing was stolen and that he won’t ever go back, if she wanted so.

_ Louis is going to hate him. _

_ Again. _

_ Louis’ mum is going to hate him. _

He wanted to throw up so badly.

Now it hit him. How stupid he was. He should have just left hours ago not stayed in Louis’ house like a creep, and oh my good. His brain must have stopped working. 

“Harry?” She asked, looking at him. He nodded. “I don’t think I know you.”

He stood up slowly and swallowed.

“No, Ms Tomlinson,” he started. “My name is Harry, Harry Styles. I am Louis’ friend from school. Before you say anything, please allow me to explain the situation.”

She nodded slowly, still keeping the girls close to her.

“Louis invited me over after school. We hung out for some time, and then he fell asleep. I know that this week was pretty tiring for him, so I did not want to wake him up and wanted to just let him rest a bit. I understand if you are mad, but please it is all on me. I should have woken him up, he did nothing wrong. And I’ll understand if you want me out, I’ll go away as soon as possible, promise. Just, please once again, do not blame Louis for my actions.”

He knew he was rambling a bit but tried to maintain a serious tone. He needed to make sure Louis won’t get into trouble. Oh gosh, he was so stupid. How on earth did he think this was a good idea? What if Louis got punished because Harry was irresponsible? No, this could not happen. He was able to take any amount of punishment just to protect Louis.

“Where is Louis?” she asked.

“Upstairs, in his bed.”

“Is he okay?”

“He should be okay, like I said, he must have had a rough week, and we were watching a film, and he just fell asleep, so I put him in bed.”

The woman was still looking at him, not breaking eye contact and Harry had no idea how he should behave.

“So you just decided to stick around and play with his siblings?”

His cheeks flushed and he cringed at that statement. Back that it was not such a dumb idea, he clearly must have lost the rest of his brain cells. He wished he knew how to apologize. It remained a mystery to him, how on earth did he manage to make a fool of himself again.

“I am so sorry for that.” he mumbled, and he meant every word. “I know it sounds silly but, um, Louis is always nice to me, and he is an amazing friend for all of us. He always takes care of everyone and, I guess, I wanted to do something nice to him. I swear, that’s all, and I am really sorry. I’ll leave in a moment, just please, do not blame Louis. He truly had no idea, it’s all on me.”

“Just to make sure, love, Louis had nothing to do with it? Because I’m not sure how you mentioned that?”

And what was that supposed to mean? Was she joking? But like in a nice playful way or was she just being sarcastic? Harry was dumbfounded. Should he reply? Should he just pack his things and go back home to drown in his embarrassment? Too many options.

“I am truly sorry, once again. I’ll just grab my things, and if you wish, you won’t ever hear from me.”

And she smiled. Like literally smiled, and it reminded him so much of how Louis smiled. It was warm and playful, like she found him funny.

“Darling, it’s okay,” she reassured him. “Don’t apologize, you truly did nothing wrong. I know you, or rather I know about you. Louis talks about you sometimes. And from what I’ve heard you are a nice boy. And I am really grateful, and you took care of my Boo Bear.”

Was he dreaming? Maybe she hit him so hard that he just passed out? She did not look angry or disgusted. She was not going to yell at him. So maybe she won’t call the police either.

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just confused,” he muttered. “Are you truly not mad at me, Ms Tomlinson?”

“Jay, love, please call me Jay,” she walked to him and put her hand on his shoulder. There was no way he was ever going to call her Jay, he had no idea if he would even get a chance to be back here.“I know my son, I know he’s trying to bend backwards for us and his friends and that sometimes he forgets that he’s also a human. And I am truly happy that he has a friend who would endure hours babysitting his younger sisters, so he could have a nap. And by the way, did you order dinner?”

“No, I cooked,” he answered, still dizzy trying to process all the information from before.

“You _cooked_?” she beamed.

He nodded shyly.

“Where did Louis find you?”

Harry blushed again, he really needed to work on that a little. He dropped his gaze onto the floor.

“I think I need to go home, mum probably wants me to be at a dinner,” he said. “There are leftovers from dinner in the fridge, should be enough for both you and Louis. The girls did their homework, and hopefully it is correct. And, I hope it’s not too much. Would that be possible for you not to tell Louis about all of this?”

Jay raised her eyebrows, visibly taken aback.

“You don’t want Louis to know?”

“May I be honest with you? I don’t want Louis to be mad at me.”

There was something in her eyes, but he had no idea how to call it. The last thing he expected was arms wrapping around him and pulling him into the hug. His body relaxed, and he just allowed it to enjoy the proximity. Louis really resembled her in so many ways. She made him feel in a way Louis always did, like he finally had something to lean on.

“Don’t worry, darling. I promise, he won’t be mad. Not for that.”

He really wanted to believe her, but his anxiety was louder.

“I’ll let you go now, but you have to promise that you’ll be back.”

“You want me back?”

She nodded eagerly.

“Especially if your cooking will be good, then we’ll bring you here even against you will.”

He chuckled lightly and pulled away. He said goodbye to the girls and gave Jay one last smile before stepping out of the house. Harry took a deep breath and slowly started to walk home, a weird feeling lingering in his chest.

***

It was Sunday morning and Harry was still in bed. After a gruelling week he just needed a good lie in. He was scrolling through the internet, watching silly YouTube videos and just being on his own.

Out of the blue, he heard a bell ringing and at first ignored it. Perhaps Gemma ordered something from Amazon or something. It was none of his business. He went back to whatever he was doing when he heard his sister’s voice:

“Harry, come downstairs! You’ve got a guest!”

A guest? He wasn’t expecting anyone. For a moment he felt uneasy. No, this could not have been… they did not know his address. They could not be there. No, it was stupid to even think that. No, no, no. Slowly, he squeezed his phone, took a deep breath and walked down the stairs.

Louis. It was Louis, thank God.

But then it hit him.

What was Louis doing here, this early and on the weekend? Why did he show up unannounced?

What if he was mad at Harry for the shit he pulled yesterday? What if he wanted to yell at him in front of his family? He looked nervously at Gemma, hoping she would get a message, but she just rolled his eyes and went back to writing something on her iPad.

Thank you for your help.

“Hi, Lou,” he greeted, trying to sound neutral.

“Hi, listen, can we, um, talk somewhere more private?”

Harry was going to die. Instead of running away and trying to hide somewhere, he just gave Louis a smile and gestured for him to come in.

“Let’s go to my room.”

It was pretty far, so maybe Gemma won’t hear any screaming, hopefully. Harry put his hands behind him, so the other boy would not see how much they were trembling. He wanted to be over with this, so he could just hide himself in his duvet.

As soon as the door closed behind him Louis wrapped his arms around him and embraced him tightly. For a moment Harry had no idea what to do, so he just pulled Louis closer to him. The other one pressed his face to Harry’s neck, his breath was tickling him, but he had no desire to tell him. It felt nice but still a bit strange.

“Thank you, Hazz,” Louis whispered into his skin, still incredibly close. “Thank you so much.”

Louis was thanking him? He was not angry? Harry felt a bit dizzy, slowly feeling the tightness leaving his body, relief washing over him. Feeling a bit better, he nuzzled his face in Louis’ hair before putting his chin on top of Louis’ head. He was so warm and soft, and they just fit together. It was like all the edges of their bodies were tailored to complete each other.

“I’m glad you are not angry with me, and please, don’t ever thank me for anything, it was nothing, least I could do for you,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” his voice was stiff. No, he couldn’t… was he crying? “Don’t say it was nothing, it was…” He stopped for a moment.

“Hey, Lou, let’s sit on my bed, so we’d be more comfy, okay?” He put his hands on Louis’ cheeks.

The other boy just nodded, allowing Harry to pull him towards the bed, where they both sat next to each other, pillows behind their backs. Louis leaned into him a bit, and Harry took it as in invitation and put his hand into his hair, running gently through them.

“This week was shit,” Louis said. “And you made everything so much better. Mum told me this morning when I woke up that you stayed yesterday. That you cooked dinner for my sisters, and that they really liked you. Phoebe kept on going how you let her and Daisy play with your hair and that they were so curly, and she asked me if you could come over again.”

Harry was stunned, seeing tears appearing in his eyes. He could not look at him all tired and sad. He wanted to take care of him as soon as possible, he wanted to do something to make it better.

“Even Lottie liked you, and she is not the easiest. She told me that you were really nervous when mum came back, that, gosh, that you fucking apologized to my mum for babysitting my siblings for hours because I was asleep. And she told me that you were scared I’d get in trouble.”

Harry felt hands cupping his cheeks and then an unknown weight on his lap. Dear God, Louis was sitting on his lap and Harry was almost sure that he’d died and went to heaven. Arms wrapped around his neck and Louis was embracing him again, bodies pressed tightly against each other. He slowly moved his hand up and down other boys back, hoping to soothe him since he seemed a bit overwhelmed.

“You’re incredible, Louis, you do all those things for others, but you never do anything nice for yourself. I acted a bit silly, but I don’t regret it.” he mumbled. “I really like you. You are a wonderful friend and I wish you would come to all of us more often when you get overwhelmed, so we could help you.”

Louis remained silent, just breathing in and out with his face squished against Harry’s chest.

“I think I should try doing that,” He answered after some time, still not moving away. Harry wished they could just stay like that, not worrying about anything else. “By the way, mum wants to see you again, and asked for a recipe for the pasta you made.”

“If that is okay with you, then of course. Whatever makes you happy, Lou.”

They stayed like that for a bit longer, body against the body, sharing warmth, the world around them forgotten.


	7. 7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people. This week has been a mess, both uni wise and emotionally wise. I struggled with this chapter a lot and when I finished it, I debated whether it would be okay to post it day, given what day it is. Maybe some of you are not really in the fandom, which I understand but I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable. But then, maybe some of you may need a distraction from all the grief and overwhelming emotions. And perhaps a silly fanfiction could actually give you a bit of a break. So I hope you will enjoy it, as always thank you so very much for all the lovely comments and any feedback, that is more thank welcome. And thank you for over 450 clicks, word cannot express my gratitude!
> 
> P.S. Fizzy, I hope you are having a wonderful day, that you see how loved you are by so many people. You will never be forgotten, I can assure you and promise you that. I wish I had a chance to meet you or experience how it was to live in the same time as you. No matter how much time passes, two years or twenty, you are always in our hearts.

With May approaching, Harry felt more and more secure in himself and his new position. He slowly got used to being “the popular kid” and hanging out with the boys. It became his routine to almost always be around people, to go see the games and then spend the night after out. He also got used to his new style, and it really started to feel like himself. All of his old jumpers were donated to the charity shops, his glasses were hidden deep into his cupboard, only used on weekends when he had no desire to put on his contacts. Surprisingly, he also started to feel better about himself. It became easier to look in the mirror, not always dropping his gaze and avoiding his reflection. His confidence was slowly making an appearance, making it easier for him to talk to people and handle stress. He was truly able to work under pressure without needing his inhaler, he was able to come up to a random person and ask a question without fear that they were going to laugh at his face. Harry actually started to enjoy walking down the hall with boys, knowing that he was not going to get pushed into the lockers, not feeling other people's shoulders hitting him, not trying to make himself smaller. Having friends did wonders to him.

He even introduced the boys to Gemma. One day he invited them over to play video games when she came back unannounced, at first completely stunned seeing five boys at her house, being loud and cheery, with her brother among them. But after a brief introduction she seemed to like them, Louis especially who shared her sense of humour and sarcastic, cheeky nature. He even teased Harry alongside her, probably winning her over completely. She tried not to show it too much, but it was clear she was proud of him.

Harry also went back to Tomlinson’s house, a couple of days after the conversation and a cuddling session with Louis. The older boy asked him a bit anxiously if he could come over and help him with dinner, because he had extra practice due to the upcoming match and still had to do his homework. Harry just hugged him tightly and simply told him to pick a date, and he would be there. There was nothing better than seeing Louis’ smile that moment. So it sort of became their thing, Harry becoming a chef and a part-time babysitter for Louis’ siblings, who definitely had a soft spot for his curls. He found out that Lottie was pretty into makeup, and she asked him if she could sometimes do things with his hair to get to know their structure better of whatever she was doing. Luckily, she was more gentle than the twins, so it was not a hassle. With that, he also got to know Jay better. He refused to call her by her name, referring to her as Ms Tomlinson, because he still felt a bit anxious and stressed around her. Louis told her that Harry just needed more time, and she seemed to understand that. Overall, she was just like Louis described - lovely, warm and so nice. She always praised his cooking, sometimes even asking for a recipe. They did not get to see each other too often, but whenever they did, she had this very particular smile whenever she saw Harry either playing with the girls or talking to Louis. The boy did not want to read too much into it, already being embarrassed about his crush.

Oh, yeah, that was another thing. Turned out, Harry had a crush on Louis. Not just like “I like like you” crush or “I find you cool” type of crush. It was a fat, massive full on crush. Because, of course Harry would fall far the nicest, the prettiest and the most popular boy at school. He would not have been himself, had he not done something like that. But it was okay, he was able to live with it, keeping it just to himself. None of the boys knew about it, he was too nervous that maybe, even accidentally, they would tell Louis.

Louis was like the sun, lighting up every room he entered, radiating the most comforting heat, which made Harry crave just being around him. One look at him, and it felt like all the clouds around Harry’s head were going away. He was like a breeze on a scorching day, the ice cube on a sun kissed skin. He was everything, and he was way too good for Harry. There was no chance that he would even look at the younger boy and find him worthy of his heart. Harry was clumsy, almost always anxious, getting nervous about the weirdest things, he had days when he was tired just because he was tired or because being “the cool kid” turned out to be a lot of work. He had to smile, come up with different jokes, always make sure that he looks confident, and have a nice fitting outfit. Not to mention, he actually had to talk to a lot of people. He managed to make a few acquaintances: people he would greet and sometimes make a small talk, but nothing really too personal. Sometimes it would take a toll on him, make him curl in bed, drained and numb, and make him sleep more than he used to. But it was safe to say it all was worth it. 

So for now, and probably forever, telling Louis about his feelings was out of question. Louis was straight, for fucks sake. And life was not a film, so it probably would not magically turn out that he’s into men. And even if, he would never be into Harry. He couldn't afford to make things between them uncomfortable, taking away any possibility of them just remaining friends. It scared him a bit, but the blue-eyed boy became an essential part of his life, and nothing was worth losing him, definitely not a silly crush. Harry needed to learn how to handle those weird, unknown feelings, which actually was pretty hard. It seemed impossible not to beam whenever Louis touched him, not to get closer to him (which sometimes he did completely subconsciously), not want to always have the older boy’s attention on him, and vice versa - not stare at him like he hanged the moon and the stars just for Harry. It was all a matter of practice, he just needed some time.

“Harold, were you ignoring me?” Suddenly, a voice came cutting through his thoughts. Oh, yeah, he zooned out a bit.

“Not really,” he answered, trying to sound nonchalant. “I was just trying to filter the information.”

“Filter the information? Really? Is it a fancy way to say to you were ignoring me?” Louis smirked. “I could have just given you the code to the secret safe hidden at my place! And you missed it!”

“First, you don’t have a secret safe…”

“How would you know?” Louis interrupted him, faux scandalized. “That is the idea of a secret safe, that you don’t know about it. Gosh, do some research kid!”

Harry just rolled his eyes.

“Like I was saying, before I was oh so rudely interrupted, Lewis…” He felt a smack on his arm, but managed to catch Louis’ hand before it did more damage. “You don’t have a secret safe, and second of all, I could literally come to your house, bake my chocolate muffins and your mum would not even hesitate to tell the code. I really don’t need you to be the one to spill the beans.”

  
  


“Oh look at you, Harry is getting cheeky.” Niall laughed at them, and right, they were at a cafeteria with the rest of the boys. Harry must have forgotten. “By the way, Tommo, I didn’t know Harry and Jay were dating.”

“We’re not dating, Niall, calm down, Mrs Tomlinson just likes me better than Louis. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“I can’t believe what you’ve turned to, Harold.” Louis gasped, but a smile was playing on his lips and he was visibly holding back a smirk. “I let you inside my house, I let you cook for us, and I let you play with my heirs and yet you are such an ungrateful and bad boy.”

“Oh my god, shut up with whatever kinky shit are you into, some of us are trying to eat here.” Zayn said, eyes wide but still a bit playful.

Louis started to tease him, asking about what kinks he and Liam are into, while Harry was trying to fight not only the fond feeling spilling all over his chest but also this unpleasant stab in his stomach. He knew that Louis did not mean it like that, that he was joking and Harry was being weird, but there was something about him calling him a bad boy that made him feel sad. He wanted to be good for Louis. And he needed to stop thinking about it, because that was too fucking much.

“Anyway, " Niall changed the topic, munching on his crisps. “The game is in two weeks and I need you lads to help me out with the party.”

“Since when do you want us to help?”

“Since we have Harry who is more organized than all of you combined? Which may actually help with the whole mess?” he answered looking at Harry with puppy eyes. “Please, Hazza?”

“Oi, do not call him that, it is mine!”

Harry had actual _butterflies_ in his stomach. Okay, he knew that Louis was just being his cheeky self, but again, this tiny comment almost made him beam and blush. He was truly being pathetic. But then, nothing was new.

“Sure, I’ll help, just let me know how, you’ve got my number.” He shrugged.

It was his first time ever getting involved at a party, so he was pretty excited to participate in it. 

“By the way, how are the preparations going, Tommo?”

“Pretty cool, we still need more practice but overall the team is pretty in sync, so hopefully we’ll smash it.”

He was also a bit nervous for a game, just because Louis was again getting into this headspace, that Harry despised. He needed to practice more, which meant that Harry would come to his place almost every day to try to make things easier for him. Not like he was complaining, he would come back from his practice all tired and drained to have his dinner served and his sisters taken care of. Harry also was not complaining, since he really enjoyed spending time at Tomlinson’s plus he got to try more of the recipes he looked up on the Internet. Plus, sometimes when Louis was especially tired and a bit moody, he would just shamelessly ask for cuddles, and Harry was happy to indulge him. They just fit and cuddling Louis like nothing like he had ever experienced. He enjoyed his hair being played with, he liked when the other boy would rub small circles on his back and overall was really tactile. Sometimes he would even just have a nap with his head resting on Harry’s chest or hidden in his neck. The curly boy always looked forward to it, to being able to just look at Louis’ sleeping figure, all peaceful and content, without any trace of worry or stress. He knew this was creepy, but it was his dirty little secret.

“I’m sure it will be alright” He could not help but assure Louis, giving him a small smile.

“Wanna be my cheerleader, Hazza?”

“You want me to make you a glittery poster with your name on? You’re the embodiment of modesty.”

“Actually, this does not sound so bad, I’m kinda into it, if I’m honest.”

“You are terrible, both of you, get a room, for the love of God.” Zayn mumbled.

Harry’s cheeks suddenly covered in a light shade of pink before he got this uneasy feeling in his chest again. Were the boys angry with them? Maybe they did not like them. But there was nothing wrong with the way he interacted with each other. Or was it? Was he making them uncomfortable? What if they would not want to eat with them because of that. And then Louis would stop talking to him because he would be the reason why his friends did not like him and then…

“Hi, love, are you alright? You look a bit pale. “Louis sounded concerned.

“Yeah, sorry, zooned out. Sorry, guys,” he chucked a bit unconvincingly. 

He made a move to put some distance between him and Louis, not wanting to make the boys even more uncomfortable, but quickly he felt a hand on his knee. At first, he jumped, still not used to casual touches, but after turning his head and facing Louis his body completely relaxed. His eyes had this weird expression and for a moment he had no idea what that meant, and then it hit him. Louis was asking if he was okay. He nodded.

In the middle of a lunch break the boys decided to go outside to enjoy some sunlight. It was finally warm enough that they did not need any jackets and their hoodies or just T-shirts were enough. Harry felt like he could do some fresh air.

On their way they encounter a weird situation. There were two boys standing close to each other, one of them in a more dominant position, and the other visibly uneasy. For a moment Harry felt like should run, it was like all his instincts were screaming at him. But it could not have been what he thought, right? Maybe he was just being paranoid, seeing things that were not there. But then it happened. The boy took the other one’s glasses and started to play with them, like he was threatening to break them.

Panic came rushing through Harry’s body, paralysing him and making almost every inch of him shake. Subconsciously he reached out to his face, where usually his glasses were as if to protect them, but he remembered he was no longer wearing them.

He could not _breathe_.

He felt like he was suffocating.

_ Faggot. _

_ Faggot. _

_ Faggy cookies. _

Tissues, he needed tissues, he had _icing_ on his forehead and needed to get rid of it.

Everything around him was in a blur, and he felt dizzy, he needed to sit down, but first he needed to get out. He probably was going to be next, who else if not him? He could almost feel it all over again, the locker in his back, the tears on his cheeks, the painful embarrassment crushing his lungs.

“Hi, what are you doing?” someone shouted, but Harry was unable to distinguish whose voice that was.

Louis.

It was _Louis_.

“Chill out, we were just playing, right, Ben? We’re mates.”

If Harry wasn’t boiling hot and too preoccupied with fighting for every single breath, he would have seen the expression on Ben’s face. So familiar. The same sticky fear mixed with hopelessness.

“I don’t think the definition of playing matches whatever you were doing to him.”

Harry needed to get a grip, to go back to reality. He managed to gain some control over his body and the fog caging his mind slowly started to go away. He was safe. He was safe with the boys. He was not going to be next.

“Listen mate, leave him alone, all right? Let’s just all go separate ways and no damage will be done. Deal?”

After a couple more deep breaths he was finally able to think. He looked around to see Louis and Liam talking to the bully, probably scolding him. Then he was the other boy, standing near them, with his arms wrapped protectively around himself, trying to build some type of shelter. Something in his heart started to ache. Not only because he was way too familiar with this situation and was on the other side of it. But because he wished that back in a day someone would stand up for him. Tell Nate and his friends to leave him alone. He wished he had Louis at that time, who would make him feel like he mattered. It was not only silly but also selfish to be jealous of things like that, but he could not help.

It took him a moment to realize that the other was gone, leaving Ben in the same position as the couple of minutes before. Harry looked at him, apprehensive, not sure if he should try to comfort him or ask if he was alright. But then he wished someone had done this to him.

“A-are you alright? Ben, right?” he asked, trying his best to stop his voice from shaking, his whole body still nor recovered from the anxiety attack.

His mouth felt like a desert, and he needed to sit down for at least a couple of minutes, but part of him needed to make sure that the boy was okay and whether there was something he could do to help him.

Ben just looked at him, a hint of embarrassment in his eyes, cheeks covered in a barely visible blush. And no one should ever feel ashamed because someone was bullying them. It was not their fault, and experiencing that should be embarrassing for the bully not the bullied.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, hands still on his chest.

“Is there something we could do?”

At first Ben seemed surprised that someone even asked that question. Like it was the furthest thing from what he expected. Maybe he thought they would ask him how often this was happening or what else he did to him. But, speaking from his own experience, Harry would not want to talk about it, not yet, he’d rather have someone to ask him what could be done to prevent those situations from happening.

“No, as I said I’m fine.”

“Do you know this guy's name?”

Ben frowned.

“Why does it matter?”

“We can’t just let him go, what he did should never go unnoticed and someone should do something about it.”

Ben smiled humourless and shook his head a bit.

“Leave it, it’s not like you even know how it feels.”

Harry knew that he did not mean to be rude, that it was just him trying to be defensive, but still it hurt. He wished he could have told him that in fact he knew too well how it feels to be afraid every day. To feel like he must have done something wrong, because there was no way this was happening without a reason. But he could not just say all those things. Not when, apparently, he was now a cool guy. He was really happy that now people view him as someone who has always been like that. Always funny, cheeky, surrounded by friends. That is what he wanted, to bury Marcel as deep as possible inside him. So why now did he feel like he was disappointed with himself. Like he did something wrong.

I, Marcel Styles-

“I have to go,” said Ben and just walked away without looking at anyone.

Harry followed him with his gaze for a while still unsure of what to do. He felt drained and just wanted a quick nap. But he had two more classes to go, so none of that.

“Wow, he was kinda rude to you,” Niall said with a weird expression.

“It’s okay, maybe I was too pushy. I’m sure he did not mean it.”

“You’re too nice for your own good, Hazza. I mean I sort of understand why he reacted this way, but still he could treat you a bit better.” This time he felt Louis’ hand wrapping around his waist and his body immediately started to crave more affection.

Stupid.

***

After school, he and Louis went to Louis’. This was one of those days when the older boy needed a bit more assistance, but Harry truly wanted it as he needed some sort of distraction from the previous events. He still felt a bit fuzzy, somewhere between being drained and too emotional. He could not even properly focus during his next classes, but luckily it went unnoticed. Or at least by anyone but Louis, who was almost attached at a hip with him for the whole day. As if he was able to sense that something was wrong and Harry needed more intimacy to feel better.

They laid on a couch, put on a random show and just started talking. Somewhere during the conversation they changed their position so Harry’s head was on Louis' chest, their bodies pressed together tightly, Louis' arm around the other boy’s waist and the other idly running through his hair. Harry felt like on a cloud nine, it was so nice and comfortable and so soothing. 

He looked at Louis for a moment and just felt the need to say something. The event at school was still occupying his mind, not wanting to let go. He was in such an awe, even though after knowing Louis for so long he should not have been. It still did not seem quite possible that the popular boy was the one protecting others from mean people. Perhaps this is how everything should be. No matter how hard he was trying to process everything, it was against everything he knew before, everything he had just accepted as “normal”. But then, as it turned out it was not at all normal and no one even should think that it is. Harry felt like someone had taken off a blind from his eyes, and after seeing just darkness for so many years he was now to get use to all the colours. 

“Thank you for standing up for him,” he murmured into the material of Louis’ short and hid his face there.

It felt so safe there, like he could just hide from everything and everyone, leave them behind and was never to be found, caged in the bubble of warmth.

“It’s not a big deal.”

And no. It was a huge deal. Harry could not just listen to Louis undermining it, his deed was so, so special, so special to Harry.

“Stop, we all know that it was.”

Louis shrugged and then squeezed him a bit harder.

“It should not be. It should be normal that people help each other. Especially when a lot of people know you, and maybe they will do the same thing in the future.”

Yeah, he was right. It should. But it still was not. 

“Thank you anyway,”

Louis smiled in that lovely way that made his eyes crinkle.

“Always, Hazza,” he whispered. “You look tired if I’m honest, want to have a nap together? My sisters should be back home in an hour or so.”

This boy was so adorable, it made Harry’s heart hurt. He was not sure if he would ever get used to being so taken care of, treated with so much affection. Sometimes he could not believe how wrong he was at the beginning. Louis was the furthest thing from what he thought he was.

“I’m okay, don’t worry,” he smiled shyly. “I just have this weird feeling inside. Kinda funny.”

“You’ve never seen anyone getting bullied?”

He licked his lips. His voice was slowly becoming quieter since he felt more and more sleepy with every stroke of Louis’ hand in his hair. He moved his head a bit asking for more of the lovely touch. Louis giggle filled him in, and he felt like flowers had blossomed in his lungs, tickling his inside.

“You’re like an overgrown kitten. Kitty baby.”

Harry felt his cheeks heat. But it did not stop him from still demanding more. He will be ashamed about it later, probably, as always, right before he was about to fall asleep.

“I did, but back at my old school…” he hesitated. “Let’s just say that none of the popular kids would stand up for some kid whom they did not know.”

“Then they were shitty people,” Louis answered as if it was a fact. “You said that they were mean to others, yeah? Like in the films.”

“Yeah, like in the films. I guess they just believed that because they were in ‘the higher’ position they could do whatever they wanted with others. And usually they would get away with it because no one wanted to mess with them, you know. It was… like there was that secret agreement. But no one would ask those who got hurt if they are okay with that.”

Harry didn’t like to talk rude things about others, especially those whom he did not really know nor had any conversations with. He had always tried to justify why no one would care about him, obviously, they had their own friends, and he was basically a stranger to him.

But maybe being “the popular kid” is more than just having a lot of mates, being liked and known by people at school, and having nice clothes. Maybe it should also be about setting an example for others how to treat each other. He would like that one day to be brave enough like Louis, but at that time it still felt like he needed a bit more time and a bit more blue-eyes boy next to him.

“I’m sorry, Haz,” He felt a kiss on his forehead, and it was a miracle that he managed to hold a shiver running through his body.

“It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong. It was what it was you know. But I am glad I transferred, I really am you know. Sometimes, I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes it feels like I need to relearn all the things I thought I knew inside out.”

“Wanna tell me more?” Louis’ voice was still filled with concern and so soft, almost like a pillow placed under his overwhelmed heart.

“I don’t really know if there is much to say. It all is sort of the reason why I was so prejudiced towards you, but you know that. I am so sorry for that, again. I’ll probably never stop apologizing to you, because you did not deserve, With you, it’s like, you're a polar opposite of what I am used to. Nice to others, caring and selfless. I wish there was someone like you back at my old school. It would help a lot of people.”

“You’re giving me too much credit, love.”

Harry shook his head.

“You’re giving yourself too little credit, Lou.”

The other boy chucked loudly and readjusted the blanket around them. Nap really sounded like a great idea, even if just a short one. Usually he struggled to fall asleep after an anxiety attack but Louis' presence made everything easier, every little thing. Gosh, the whole getting over him was starting to seem impossible. How was he to get rid of his stupid crush when Louis continued to be the best person Harry knew.

He was not alright yet, but he will be. One day.


End file.
